Antiwitchdoctor wrote:After the fall out. when all the lies and cheating have come out and you hate the man as much as you love what you thought he was. how do you move on, forgive yourself and let the anger go towards a man that was your soul mate but turned out to be a complete and utter bastard ? Im struggling to move on after finding out the depths of the manipulation , gas lighting, hoovering , i've had it all for 10 years. if this guy isn't a covert somatic narc i'll eat my hat. I never want to see him again as the fog is clearing, but with it the realisation of what has happened to me is crushing me. How was i so stupid ?
Yes this is what I also need help with. I want and miss a man who didn't really exist. I know life with him would be no life,
I'd be constantly waiting a discard the next time a girl shows him interest.
I am so angry at being wronged and how he hasn't had to face the consequences at all.
You see we never once argued, it was a pleasure to be in his company, every single time. Anything shitty he did he took
the cowards way out, by text. I've not had that release of a face to face confrontation. The man is a stonewall.
Like two different people, in person he was amazing yet when hiding behind a phone he was a ****.
I go to the gym daily, hitting the punch bag across the room, it helps for a bit. But not in the middle of the night when you
wake from a dream with him in. When you've spent all day distracting yourself your mind betrays you when you sleep!
I take some solace in the fact the last time I saw him, it was in public, with mutual friends and he came and stood next to me. I behaved
like he was dead to me, totally ignored him. I hope this hurt.
But I am now scared of men, my judgement is clearly awful despite the fact I have never been with a man I haven't known for at least a year or so.
It takes a lot to get my guard down. This man with npd traits chased me for years and the lovebombing was intense.
I've not been with many, yet every man I have been with people have said I am too good for them (even their own friends).
When the irony is these men have always treated me like I am not good enough for them.
They move on to women who gives them a hard time, they then treat them way better, and then complain to me that these women are not
as calm as I am.
I must be co-dependant, but oddly I feel I do have self esteem. I am very sociable, confident and well liked, but never loved.
I clearly behave like a co-dependant though to end up with such men, I tend to explain away unacceptable behaviour by analysing them and trying to understand that hurt people hurt people.
But as they say "you are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm" and at the same
time I want to be a reasonable human being by being empathetic.
The cognitive dissonance is strong with this one.
So really I have two issues, how to stop this unexpressed anger from consuming me, and how to move on, to trust again.
How to behave in a way that men feel compelled to treat me as an equal. Boundaries, I know.
I feel like I have one big boundary and once I finally let a man over that wall it's a free for all. I need some more little internal fences!
The ex with npd traits has only given me one clue, he said I was too fun to see a future with.
I have no idea what to do with that.
If I am honest, I just really miss sex and I'm just too scared to let anyone near me now.
Do I need to become more of a bitch?
Also, for Richard, I recall in your last podcast mentioning something about the legalities of controlling behaviour and wondered if
you knew about this? Oops I can't post the link as I am new but google "coercive control law uk" and you might find it of interest.