Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    Ask Questions Here Please

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    trueself1

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by trueself1 on Fri Apr 15, 2016 2:43 am

    Why am I terrified of male figures that I admire?

    theminx

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    Other Questions to Determine If Someone Is a Narcissist

    Post by theminx on Fri Apr 15, 2016 9:55 am



    This video was my introduction to your work and you.  This turned on a floodlight in my head, and I feel empowered now having this tool in my pocked.  Thank you!

    What are some other questions that would work to determine if someone is a narcissist?  Your original question would work with most of the narcissists I've known, but a few of the covert ones have the false humility routine down pat and could easily answer that one.

    What about "What are some ways you've not related well to others in the past?"  It's become a red flag to me when people cannot admit that they've ever mistreated someone, because all of us have blown it at one point or another.

    Thank you!
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    Richard Grannon
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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Richard Grannon on Fri Apr 15, 2016 1:05 pm

    "Life coach help. Need a man's perspective who understands psychology of healthy and unhealthy men. Found out in October the "reason" I've been in sexless relationship for 15 years. I kicked my husband out, I believe I was in shock for the first three months and now trying to make sense of it all. Nothing makes sense. He is a porn addict. But as I've read and really pay attention now I believe him to be NPD. No real empathy there. Also just realized via one of your videos that I must have CPTSD. Rude awakening and tough pill to swallow. I have many questions. This man lied in many ways, telling me he was asexual, telling me men didn't want sex after 19 years old. I was obviously stupid and naive. Questioned him always. Lies, lies, blaming me for my bad childhood, telling me we were in fact having sex. I'd explain one time two years ago doesn't count as having sex. Brought him stats of how often normal married relationships have sex. Tried all the things and nothing.

    Now that he's "sober" and seeing a therapist once a week he claims he wants me sexually now. He tells me I have to forgive him, let him back in so I can finally be treated the way I should have always been treated. Yet, when he says things there is no emotional feeling attached to it. I'm not feeling what I think I should be feeling. I finally set up real boundaries in terms of when he can come around to see our almost three year old daughter. We got pregnant because I took ovulation tests and basically forced him to have sex with me or he would have rendered me childless.

    He uses her as a bargaining tool and another way to manipulate. There's so much to say. Anyway, I need help to stay strong. I know what the right thing to do is just as I knew it before we married when I ignored my gut. Anyway I feel the crazy making is amped up now. He's the victim because in his words all he did was not have sex with me and lied about the reason why. But as you know there is so much more that went on and now that we're separated so much DYSFUNCTION is coming out. He provokes and blames me for things when I try to discuss how I feel about the situation I find myself him, about the things he in fact did. This is getting too long. Anyway, I just need help to stay my course and move far away from this.

    His porn was compulsive, I never even knew he was a sexual being. (Side note, we met in college and did have sex then but even then there were red flags that I wrote off, idiot me.) Never caught any of it. The way it came out was I was writing down all of the crazy things he's said and on paper it became glaringly clear it was not me it was him. So, I looked him in the eyes and told him I couldn't do this anymore, I no longer need an answer. What I know is I feel awful and I can't be a good, strong mother to my daughter feeling this way. What I got was a blank stare to my tears and words. Weeks later he finally broke down after another argument where he screamed we have sex. I told him if in fact we've been having sex all this time and I didn't know about it that I'm not fit to be a wife or a mother and we should just lock me up. He punched a hole in the cabinet and dramatically fell to the floor and said, "you already know." I asked what, what do I already know? The only thi
    ng I eve
    r questioned was if he was gay. He finally said he thought he was a porn addict. I never knew anything about porn. I kicked him out. Lots of weird stuff has come out. He compulsively masturbated at work, at home, etc. All anal, most shemale, beastiality where the animal is fucking the woman, teenage porn... The list goes on and on. And, I'm actually a very sexually adventurous person, I just never got the opportunity to be with this man. Not that I would have done anything demeaning.

    As you can see, I'm all over the place right now. Anyway you can help me sort through and understand and finish walking away from the most covertly abusive relationship I've ever known?
    "

    Eva

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Eva on Fri Apr 15, 2016 9:13 pm

    I'm struggling with the belief that it is not him but me who done things wrong.  This doubting debate that plays out in my head "was it me or him" on and off.  It has become a lot less often as I have educated myself in the subject and understanding is growing.  I assume it must be associated with the flashbacks and the core belief mantra that's been playing for years which you mentioned "there must be something wrong with me"  Smile  It has been 6 months after the final breakup which lasted also 6 months.  The relationship lasted a total of 16 months and it ripped me apart literally I was a zombie, who got physically sick  a lot more that ever (one of the reasons I noticed something is wrong)

    Here is an example of one scenario that has been playing on of the bigger factors in this situation.  That I am a bad mother to my two kids (he's not the father, I'm divorced, dad lives 2000 miles away and kids and I have pretty good contact with him)  He never said directly I'm a bad mother and I was accused that I must be imagining it or taking his goodness to help the wrong way, therefore I must have a problem with myself.  
    It was all done by constant criticism or being upset and not talking when I didn't stick to the rules or asked a question on the subject.  That I don't react the correct way or discipline my kids, how he sees it and I don't.  Dramatic stories of what bad things would happen to my kids if I don't react correctly and discipline them.  He explained himself as he just wanted to have something to say in this house so he can feel he means something here.  He was upset at slightest silly things or any kind of questioning his authority and that he doesn't see me changing my ways, I never agree with him and always try to prove that I'm right (projection?) How bad and unappreciated he feels and If I could only do this one little thing one step at a time it would show him that I really care and that he actually means something in this house and would be able to feel like a man (apparently I killed a man inside him and "flushed him down the toilet like no one ever did before and gave up on him the moment he needed help! I didn't do anything to make him feel like a man again just gave up and moved out"

    This is one example of the gigantic amount of guilt and shame used by him (in all areas from the way I held a piece of furniture we carried to sex topics), and I tried and tried harder and harder and everything that I did was WRONG!(I tried compassionate reasoning all the time...If I only knew it would make things worse at the time) You should have done this, why haven't you done that, you have a problem with yourself, no one normal does it like that, you're afraid I'm gonna dump your sorry ass,  why is everything more important than me, (HOURS of repetitive monologues), etc.  

    My question is how can I work on finally believing without anymore doubt that he was an asshole and stop doubting myself?

    Eva

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Eva on Fri Apr 15, 2016 9:24 pm

    To clarify the above: he didn't like when I gave loving affection to my kids, used threats and taking things away as disciplinary action, letting them cry if he thought was necessary, and helping with everything around the house ( how can they sit down when I or he was doing something they must too) he was also very suspicious of their intent to disrespect him or me which I didn't see, and I didn't always agree with his plan of action which was seen as lack of caring or respect.

    Sashade1990

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    Q:

    Post by Sashade1990 on Sun Apr 17, 2016 8:29 am

    Hi Richard.

    Is it normal, after moving on from a relationship with an npd individual, to have a deep feeling of inferiority?

    It seems any confidence that I used to have is completely gone and it's affecting my current relationship. It's hard for me to go anywhere with, meet my significant other's family, or do any activity that requires confidence, because I feel I'm being constantly judged and am terrified of being humiliated or deemed as not worthy.

    Rika

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Rika on Sun Apr 17, 2016 1:44 pm

    Re: Shrinking the inner critic.

    1. Why do we listen to it in the first place? For me, it was b/c i erroneously believed that you were neither humble nor intelligent if you *weren't* listening to yours! What silly reasons do others have?

    2. What makes it shut up? For me, she quieted down a lot when i discovered i was not *welcome* (let alone *worthy* of love!) in my family and thus resented. What makes other ppl's inner critic shut up?

    Please share!

    Drainedpool

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    Legal representation

    Post by Drainedpool on Mon Apr 18, 2016 3:14 pm

    Richard Grannon wrote:hey folks, Im receiving questions all over the place at the moment and so many of them are absolute gold that it seems a shame to not cover them.

    Please ask them all here and I will try and keep copy and pasting questions into this forum too.

    Thanks!
    Hi
    Does anyone know of a really good legal representative that understands this kind of stuff . Going through hell with my ex and he's taking me to court because our daughter wants nothing to do with him anymore , she has been seriously traumatised  He moved in with a woman who's turned out to be a narcissist and he has started to behave like her too . He always was quite cruel but he's totally gone to the dark side now . Things have been bad for just over 2 years now ( the amount of time they've been together ) . It's a worry as I hear that court doesn't recognise this kind of thing happening . My daughter is 12 . Any advice anyone ? Please ?
    Thank you for your videos Richard , I cried when I found them , it was such a relief to find some sense to the madness !


    Last edited by Drainedpool on Mon Apr 18, 2016 4:34 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Not written well enough)
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    Richard Grannon
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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Richard Grannon on Tue Apr 19, 2016 11:10 pm

    hey more of the questions posted in this thread answered here https://soundcloud.com/richardgrannon/spartanlifecoach-narcissistic-abuse-and-cptsd-podcast-2

    thankyou!
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    mlle9

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    Cluster B as third party

    Post by mlle9 on Thu Apr 21, 2016 12:48 am

    Hello, Richard. Thank you for your work and for this opportunity to ask a question.

    Is it true individuals w people-pleasing tendencies or people-pleasing history are least likely to be attracted to each other for an intimate relationship on the whole?

    How do I figure out how to have a relationship w a person who is wise about Cluster Bs? Does not fall for their manipulations and shenanigans? Find/Screen someone not vulnerable to them?

    I have a long history of being triangulated, starting w mom and dad.
    In my last relationship I made sure not to date a Narc man. I have a history of narcXs. I was unconsciously trying to pick a protective man (but I was picking predators).
    Unfortunately this recent ex was still trauma bonded to his narcX-wife. I'm only starting to understand trauma bonds the last 2 months!
    About 4 months into our relationship, I had supported him to stand up to her when she went 3 hrs late on getting the children, and so delayed his date w me. At the time, he was very angry and frustrated w her. She had a history of this in their marriage. A month later, on a date, he was distracted w all she must have recently revisited and re-proclaimed, saying he is the reason the marriage didn't work.  Trying to give him perspective made us miss our theatre seats. They were given away. A month later I started noticing that she started calling him A LOT (grooming him), while I was hearing less and less from him. So, I asked him that he and I be more connected. No connection increased between us. Then his language became he needs to protect the mother-of-his-children from me, so of course I cut my relationship w him. I was suddenly in a me v. them! The betrayal completely triggered me, and 7 months later I'm better, but still spun out. I get livid FAST. I get turned off to people FAST.  ...Oversimplified: My dad would sexually assault me, and my mom would focus on him rather than me. Whatever reality he portrayed, prevailed.
    Similarly, this ex-bf who initiated and persisted that he and I be in a committed, exclusive relationship --he ultimately chose to protect the narc and frame me as the problem (maker). He chose that my reality did not exist/was lesser.
    I can't seem to get away from Cluster Bs. Even as a third party, I get triangulated.
    Ex-bf never seemed aware of his ex-wife being an absolute narc. I never said anything other than gently-- like, "That's strange. That's weird. It makes NO sense." But inside my head I had thoughts like --"She's completely FUCKING w you! Fuck, yes she planned that shit on purpose."


    Last edited by mlle9 on Tue May 10, 2016 4:50 pm; edited 4 times in total
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    brbdinner

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by brbdinner on Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:00 am

    Hi Richard,

    As a co-dependent..who just recently discovered my codependent tendencies, I am questioning all of my life decisions at the moment. It is hard to distinguish what my genuine wants and desires are after I have been so disassociated from them for so long. I am at a crossroads in my life in terms of jobs/relocating. I have been focused on 1 path of action/destination for so long, but because of recent revelations about myself, I am feeling uncertain.

    My question is, how can I tease apart what I really want, vs. what I think I want based on trying to fulfill someone else's expectations, or what I perceive their expectations are of me. It all blurs together in 1 confusing cesspool of wtf.

    I can't even remember a time where I thought of me, and what I want, without factoring (my perception) of somebody else's opinion into my decision. Thinking about it and realizing how abnormal/unhealthy it is, is surreal. Thank you for the opportunity to get your feedback and insight!

    xikita

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    Difference between HPD and CPTSD?

    Post by xikita on Thu Apr 21, 2016 9:14 am

    Hi Richard,

    I have been diagnosed with Histrionic Personality Disorder about 4 years ago. This was because:
    - I am very dramatic. For example: if I have a problem, I catastrophise a lot, and back in my worst days I couldn't solve it without calling someone, because I really thought the worst was going to happen, all the time.
    - I am attention-seeking. I became an artist because I have a gift, but also because I used to think that recognition from others was everything.
    - I am easily bored. Back in the day I used to change countries/jobs/partners a lot. I also abused drugs and alcohol.

    I think that the topic of HPD is highly disregarded in your videos about cluster Bs. Also, I saw yours and Sam Vankin's videos's on HPD, and I don't identify with what you guys say.
    1/ You say that NPD and HPD are similar, but:
    - I am not self entitled, on the contrary, I suffer greatly from low self esteem.
    - Not exploitative: I am very naive and easily exploited and taken advantage of
    - I have empathy
    - I am actually quite a people pleaser
    - I am not a fight type, at all. On the CPTSD spectrum, I rather classify myself as a flight/fawn type.
    2/ You say that HDP differs from NPD in its sexual overtness, but: I am not obsessed with sex nor do I act in an overtly sexual manner.
    And, most importantly: opposing to what you say (that all cluster Bs are malignant, exploitative): I am a cluster B and I am not predatorial at all.

    I have a good relationship with my therapist and in the last years we have managed to make a lot of breakthroughs. Actually, I became a better person: more stable, less dramatic, less attention-seeking and have much more friends.
    However, when she refers HPD and when I see the information about this disorder online, I am immediatly shaming myself/flashbacking, due to all the horrible things that are said about people who have HPD and cluster Bs, and that I don't identify with.

    Taking all this into consideration, I think that someone is wrong here: either my therapist misdiagnosed me or you and Sam are wrong.
    Can you help me figure this out?
    I also wish you would shine more light on the HPD case in your vids. Me, as an attention-seeker, feel left out hahah Razz just kidding. But seriously, I would love to have more insight on this, and I feel that this is the one cluster B that you never throughly mention.
    It would help me greatly.

    Thank you so much!


    Last edited by xikita on Sun May 08, 2016 7:25 pm; edited 5 times in total (Reason for editing : remembered something)
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    CrazyRedHed

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by CrazyRedHed on Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:16 pm

    Can you please talk some more about your knowledge of psychosomatic illness? What kinds of problems cause what kinds of illnesses? You've mentioned it in a few videos but I was hoping to hear more details. I am prone to throat infections and was prone to UTIs as a child...I mentioned something about being hospitalized for a horrid set of UTIs as a kid and another viewer chimed in saying that she finds it's very common for girls who've been neglected and narcissistically abused to suffer UTIs. Is there anything to that? Most internet searches turn up stuff that's a little too woowoo for my tastes...like using Bach flower essences to perform a Chakra enema...or something.
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    CrazyRedHed

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by CrazyRedHed on Thu Apr 21, 2016 5:26 pm

    Hippie go lucky wrote:Hey ^_^

    Can you make a video about misophonia and it’s possible comorbidity with cptsd ? I’ll use myself as an example. I mostly have issues with eating sounds. I can’t go to the movies because I can’t stand people eating popcorn and can’t have a meal with somebody if there’s no background noise. I’ve noticed that some people triggers me more than others. My parents seems to be the worst, by far. I grew up with a verbally abusive father and an equally abusive mother as she did nothing to stop him. I always did my best to avoid him but my parents had this stupid rule that we all had to eat together, so almost every meal was my I-get-yelled-at time. I've always had a weird relationship with food. I have a past of eating disorders, and well, misophonia. Could this be all related to cptsd ??

    Thanks Smile

    YES! THIS! Please cover this! Other people eating and drinking is often super gross to me too! For me, crunching is ok, but anything liquidy is like instant puke juice. Was watching another channel's video about narcs and the guy had a cough drop in his mouth and I couldn't even finish the video. I gagged a few times because all I could hear were gross slurpy/sucky/gulpy noises. Shivering just thinking of it! I wonder if it's because of my grandpa using chewing tobacco....or from a BF who had like...an ear fetish or something...and all the little licky/slurpy/sucky gross noises...-pukevomitbarfspew- Ok, imma stop talking before I actually do throw up.
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    dre!cali

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by dre!cali on Sat Apr 23, 2016 3:02 am

    Hello,

    I have been watching, listening, and reading your materials for nearly a year.  I have a question and/or clarification to ensure I’m understanding the underlying comments you’re making.  In the last few podcasts and youtube videos people have asked questions “if” their ex is “really” a narcissist, borderline cluster-B person.  I have struggled with this question myself and for me that question in and of itself felt like it was driving me crazy.  I “think” what I’ve learned from you is that it ultimately doesn’t really matter.  If the interaction/relationship is triggering and damaging then ultimately it is irrelevant because you need to protect yourself.  I think I know the answer you’ll give and I’m asking to remind myself of this reality, plus I know for me when you re-enforce something it helps me and maybe someone else would benefit similarly.

    My situation is the “co-parenting” nightmare that many of us have, as you’ve mentioned before, going “non-contact” is problematic.  This situation is completely stupid and damaging to the kids but after four years I’ve finally just gray-rocked all communication with her and I do not even respond.  I send information we’re suppose to and that is it.  However, the triggers are now the kids.  It was really bad in the beginning and now it is manageable but it’s still there, just last week my 15 year old daughter unloaded on me about why can’t I forgive their mother.  I guess my question is do you have any techniques/advice on how to interact with kids (10, 15, 17) who in their own unintentional actions are triggers?

    I’m sure other people have similar problems and probably worse situation that I do.  I’ve gotten a lot better about taking the triggers but man is it hard with everyone (all three kids and myself) are in therapy trying to work through the situation and you’re still trying to dig yourself out of a finical nightmare that will only end once the kids come of age.  Unsurprisingly their mother doesn’t need therapy, nor a job,  and doesn’t have any problems.  My middle daughter is showing traits of borderline attributes in her interaction with her brother and sister and in a 50/50 situation, I call it “Ground Hog Day” it has taken years to make the progress that I have.  I guess the question here is, is there a chance to help the kids to not develop significant traits of this  and live a healthy life?  What could I do to better facilitate that?

    I know others have already said this but I have to as well.  Your YouTube videos, courses and information has truly has changed my life.  I re-listen to your material often and each time it feels like a new nugget of truth breaks through and provides a new epiphany on a regular basis.  I do find when you take a hiatus with posting I can quickly start slipping back into the abyss and I just take that as an indicator that I still have a ways to go to heal from this.  However, other than the numbness I currently feel, I think my situation is tremendously better than it was even a year ago.  Thank you for everything you do!

    Bromg

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Bromg on Mon Apr 25, 2016 12:33 am

    You have said that those with NPD or BPD cannot feel love. I have been wondering if narcissists or borderlines feel anything they mistake as love. My ex had loads of borderline traits. She told me once in one of her sporadic moments of vulnerability that sometimes she feels nothing. She would go on eating binges until she vomited when she was under immense stress. I have seen her go from giddy, writhing, schoolgirl, happy then to rage, then to utter, slumping despair all in a matter of seconds from one another. This actually kind of scared me the couple of times it happened. The grand finale of our relationship happened seconds after I told her that a therapist I was seeing "said a lot of things about her that she wouldn't like." I didn't even make it to specifically stating what the therapist said, but she knew that it was somewhere along the lines of her being mentally ill or having a behavioral problem. Her reaction to this was to shout at me, "YOU'RE PAINTING THE WRONG PICTURE OF ME !" and do yet another of what I called "her disappearing acts." Every time she would do this, it would hurt me immensely, and she knew this. This time I freaked out and went to her apartment to try and calm her down. She rushed out as soon as I got there. She was clutching a pillow, and I knew that this meant she was going to sleep over at someone else's house. ( She always brought her own pillow ) This caused me to freak out even more, and I gently tried to stop her from leaving and kept begging her to calm down and just talk this out. She ended up getting in her car and speeding off. So, I called her over and over. I didn't know what else to do. I was heartbroken and worried about her at the same time because she had expressed concerns the day before that she might be pregnant with my child. I just wanted more than anything for things to be fine and not have her driving around like a maniac while she was potentially pregnant. She didn't answer any of my calls except to say something snarky or dismissive and then hang up. I called her in the morning to see if she had calmed down and she told me that she had had sex with someone else that night and had filed a police report against me for stalking and harassment. That was in late July 2015, and it remains the worst moment and worst thing that has ever been done to me in my life. I feel like sometimes I can't cope with it. The woman I loved and considered a best friend when things were good did that to me. She did that to me when I was just trying 110% to help her and make things work and make her life better. I feel like this is something I will never shake and will have to carry around forever. My ex did this, and yet a month after it happened she told me that she loves me and cares about what happens to me. I know that logically that statement makes absolutely no sense after what she did, but is there something they feel that makes them think they love someone? Like a blind person trying to imagine color perhaps? I'm just incredibly confused, and my brain has been stuck for nearly a year now trying to figure all this out. I wake up thinking about her and go to sleep thinking about her. She invades my dreams and I have nightmares about her. What makes them say things like this if they can't really feel it? Whenever she would say she loved me and cared about me, it was like she was saying it with every fiber of her being. Anyone looking at the interaction would not have been able to come away without thinking that she really meant it.


    Last edited by Bromg on Mon Apr 25, 2016 7:58 pm; edited 1 time in total

    sky_girl

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by sky_girl on Mon Apr 25, 2016 2:38 am

    Dear Richard:
    I don't trust that I am a good judge of character anymore, after reviewing my tumultuous life.  I understand I have experienced continual trauma starting from childhood.  My relationships with men have never been the best because I never give myself enough credit and suffer from poor self esteem.  I have no hope or desire to interact much with people.  I isolate and am numb. I refuse to go outside any comfort zone out of extreme fear.  For two years I barely left my house after a terrifying breakup with a narcissist husband. I go to therapy and take medication, which has helped.  I can't see or believe I am capable of ever picking people who are good for me.  I was also diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder a few years ago, Ptsd of which your videos helped me understand C-Ptsd and just recently through tests the Dr. said I have ADHD. That surprised me since I am not impulsive and always did well in college and the Military.  I am really done trying now so what hope could you give someone who has no hope?  I do go to the gym and walk my dogs and stay active for health. I am now 60 and it feels like I had my best years stolen from me by believing in love.  My ex-husband was what Sam Vaknin defines as a Cerebral Narcissist.  He turned so malicious it was too shocking for me after the breakup. If this numbness is temporary, of which I don't see it is, are you able to give some helpful advice?  I refuse to trust anyone.  Thanks for getting your story out there as I find you help me laugh and are extremely informative while using humor.  During a marriage of almost 20 years we never fought and after 17 years of knowing hin I caught him on a dating website stating he was bi-curious of which he had planned two dates with other men. I tried to reasonably discuss it and he diverted the subject by saying he was raped as a boy. That this might be why he did that. Wow. First time he ever mentioned it.  Odd that I could never get him to have sex most of the marriage and suffered about that. I always took good care of myself and men found me attractive all my life so I wondered why he ignored that aspect of my needs. Vaknin explained that in detail in one of his videos.  I have learned so much from you and others on this subject.  Very confusing. The focus was to help him because I did love him but our sex life was void which is said to be typical of a cerebral narc.  Funny I had finally had a fling with the neighbor out of need for some kind of companionship as he provided some kind of regulation during that lonely time.  I had no one to talk to...and needed a friend thus my husband used that as the perfect way to discard me very quickly with no remorse or emotion at all. None. I was confused and not ready for a split and it was wrong to end up in the company of the single neighbor.  I was wrong but here the husband was ignoring me and although I had never wanted to be unfaithful was just at a weak point in my life. Very sad.

    I should have left him when I discovered the online dating websites. I knew there was something deeply wrong and I needed to leave but was afraid to. With my pets and so much to lose it seemed I was frozen. I never did have any children in the marriage..

    So now with him finally finding that excuse (discard phase)to leave ME he was cruel and very damaging and did not provide closure and immediately turned into a different person. He had a girlfriend he moved in with immediately who was 77 years old! He told me he liked the strangeness of it, when I asked him how he could be with her as old as she was. How weird..As if I never knew him. At the time he was 45 and I was 53. It was so weird but then the woman had money, house and transportation. Amazingly he started having relationships with a few other women at the same time while living with the 77 year old.  I was just so broken and alone and did not end up with a good partner from either my husband or the brief fling. Yet he made me out the bad person and the one who caused all the trouble.

    The 77 year old woman he lived with tried to harass me and it was truly ridiculous how my life went from boring to completely surreal and terrifying. I did not want trouble and yet they tried to stir as much up as they could. Crazy making, flying monkey, punishment by proxy all come to mind.  They would call police and make things up. I found out later he was diagnosed with having 7 personalities.  Forget it.  I am done investing any time or trust because there isn't enough time for anymore pain.  So to wrap it up if I know I am terrified to trust again can you provide a different perspective? I see myself in permanent recovery after experiencing this. Thanks for all you do.

    RKB

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2016-04-20

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by RKB on Mon Apr 25, 2016 4:40 pm

    Hey Richy,

    Questions first: How can I develop a wider network of good enough friends? Do you have tips for how to share the fact that I struggle with CPTSD in a socially 'appropriate' way? I am now recognizing that my network of social support is lacking, and I could use some help with the feelings of shame and anxiety that keep me in my cave (freeze/fawn). I haven't been in a toxic romantic relationship before, but I haven't had truly good/healthy friendships. I shared some of the CPTSD stuff (childhood emotional neglect/abuse) with my two closest friends (at the time), one responded aggressively and seemed to think I was full of shit, and the other didn't connect particularly empathetically/compassionately and provided more tangible helping ideas when I only wanted support. I recognize now that they both have their share of trauma, too, and my sharing may have caused them distress, and that has me a bit on my guard about sharing this again with other people. I would be grateful for any thoughts you have.

    Thanks for all of your work!
    -P

    ColloquialBrew

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2016-04-27

    Repairing parental relationships (or not)

    Post by ColloquialBrew on Wed Apr 27, 2016 11:00 pm

    Hi Richard,

    Do you have any thoughts on not wanting contact with previously abusive parents even if they’re old and harmless now? Hopefully that question isn't too tactless… It was the least rambly version I could come up with. I cut contact with my father a couple years ago because speaking to him sends me into a panicked tailspin that I haven’t yet learned to control. However, my therapist thinks I should confront him and tell him I won’t speak with him unless he takes ownership of the harm he's caused and honestly apologizes. Why would I do that when I have no desire for an apology? At the same time, I feel extremely guilty for not speaking to him. He’s over 70 now, and was never unkind to me in the phone conversations we had for a few years. Am I a horrible, bitter person for not doing my part to repair the relationship now that things have a chance of being “better”? I don’t feel bitter… I just feel like I want to move on and stop struggling so much with all this.

    PS – Thank you for everything. You truly are a rare and beautiful snowflake  Very Happy


    Last edited by ColloquialBrew on Thu Apr 28, 2016 12:05 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Fighting the endless war against typos.)
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    Richard Grannon
    Admin

    Posts : 33
    Join date : 2013-12-11
    Location : Portugal

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Richard Grannon on Thu Apr 28, 2016 10:34 am

    "Thank you so much for your videos and podcasts, they have helped me more than I can explain.

    I have a question on the relationship between a narcissist and alcohol and drug abuse, my "ex-girlfriend" has a serious alcohol problem and i have recently discovered that she is addicted to a drug called CAT (which has been on for about 10 years).

    Her personality seems to be guided by whether she is on the drugs or the alchohol or both. I have also noticed that she is on a few different types of medication, such as anti-depressants, anxiety medication, insomnia medication etc, which she takes along with her 7am breakfast of Rum from bottle.

    There have been several occasions where she would become violent with me and i would not recognize the person i was dealing with. (she had told me that she was on Cancer medication which caused her to blackout and the violent rage was from a "demon" that had possessed her from black magic being put onto her)

    She refuses to acknowledge that she had a drug and alcohol problem but if in the future she does and perhaps "cleans up", how would this affect her ASPD?

    She has a 5 year old daughter which i am very concerned about, unfortunately all my attempts to help, by reaching out to her mother and grandparents have lead to them believing that I am a bad influence and the "evil person" in her life.

    I am struggling to break contact with her, and although there have been a thousand reasons why i should not contact or care about her, I am really struggling with letting her go, even though she is currently stonewalling me, i feel "addicted" to her.

    Thank you again for the content you have shared, if you are ever doing a seminar in South Africa, i will be sure to be in the front row."
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    Richard Grannon
    Admin

    Posts : 33
    Join date : 2013-12-11
    Location : Portugal

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Richard Grannon on Thu Apr 28, 2016 10:35 am

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    femmedelaren

    Posts : 4
    Join date : 2016-04-28

    Internalized social shame, and kids' emotional/psychological needs

    Post by femmedelaren on Thu Apr 28, 2016 3:10 pm

    Hello,

    I'm a mom of a 2 year-old boy with my now-husband (Marine, not one of my abusers). After the last year of therapy through the military (helpful since they have experience with PTSD) and actively watching your and Dana's Youtube channels I'm starting to feel more stable. Pete Walker's book has also helped a lot, I think I'm a flight/fawn combo, and at the very least I can tell now when I'm in an emotional flashback. I really appreciate how helpful you've been and all the resources you've shared.

    My first question regards socializing. I grew up non-Mormon in Utah, experiencing a lot of social punishment. I was the scapegoat in my family. I had two relationships before the one I am in now and they both had narc issues (one overt and the second covert). When I walked away from the latter, I experienced the manipulative social wrath of a Narc and basically lost all of my social circle. I worked with Dana last year regarding my social anxiety of not trusting others; however, I find I still have an anxiety block by feeling there's something wrong with me (C-PTSD) and I shouldn't subject other people to it, or worse for them to unknowingly “get stuck” with me somehow. By my understanding that's an issue with my inner critic and co-dependency (accurate?); I was wondering if you have suggestions for dealing with this kind of limbo-phase and building new relationships? My therapist keeps stressing the importance of building new relationships, but I just seem stuck feeling like they deserve better than me.

    My second question has to do with kids' psychology: I remember you saying in some of your videos/hangouts you don't directly answer parenting questions, so I was wondering if you could explain the foundations of a healthy environment for kids' emotional/psychological development, as kind of general measuring tool to be referenced? I find the intense uncertainty I have on this, coming from both C-PTSD and just being a first-time parent, underlines triggering situations. All the parenting books I've read cover what kids don't need without really covering what it is kids do need emotionally and psychologically (does that make sense?).

    Thank you!
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    cherrylipgloss

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2016-03-31

    Narcissistic rage?

    Post by cherrylipgloss on Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:38 pm

    Hey Richard. You and your podcast are the shiz. I already left a question here, but I have another one I'd really be interested in hearing your take on if you ever get time Smile. (I don't expect you to answer both q's and I appreciate you taking time out for either one.)

    K, so el Diablo (my ex) would react with absolute venom over random incidences that were, quite frankly, mind-boggling! This included things like putting my handbag on the bed (the germs), having bare feet inside (barbarian behaviour), holding back a sneeze (it looks repugnant), throwing a water bottle out with a few mm of remaining water (spoilt princess behaviour), having clean tissues in my bag that were loose and not a mini tissue packet (Um... Can't even tell you!)

    These are the sorts of random things that would send him into a rage and he was incredibly hurtful. I know about narcissistic rage, but I can't fathom how these kinds of things could cause narcissistic injury. They seem so mundane that I'm wondering if this ridiculous a reaction would even qualify for NPD, or if this is maybe something from a different planet of lunacy? Thanks again for all your hard work... and sorry that you too had to go through what we have. *Cyber hug*


    Last edited by cherrylipgloss on Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:56 pm; edited 1 time in total
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    NotSoZen

    Posts : 35
    Join date : 2016-04-13
    Location : Northern Europe

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by NotSoZen on Thu Apr 28, 2016 4:54 pm

    Question: Is it possible to be borderline but having the symptoms in reverse? What I mean is, that instead of reacting outward and having sex with anyone and everyone, a person stays away from sex all together? And instead of taking huge risks, the person stays away from anything that involves any kind of risk. At all.

    My cluster b traits include attacking to control when I should be nice to a guy, but don't really know which area, that belongs in. I've also realized that I use my opinion to hit people over the head with. I need people to agree. I am hoping that I may learn not to do those things. I am also doing my best to try not to be so overly emotional and oversharing, and letting people cross the line. Not succeeding much, but starting to see myself doing it. I have your videos to thank for that. I am beginning to see glimpses of a different me.


    Thanks for all you do.

    I hope Max is doing well and getting lots of biscuits. All my best to you and yours.

    LadyWithaSilverLining

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-04-28

    Psychic Reading Fraud and Narcissistic Personality Disorder - It’s Uncanny!

    Post by LadyWithaSilverLining on Fri Apr 29, 2016 1:07 am

    Psychic Reading Fraud and Narcissistic Personality Disorder - It’s Uncanny!

    I have been excavating my past, guarding my present and trying to create a better foundation for my future when this idea came to me.

    I realized that I make awesome Narcissist Fuel a few years ago when I first discovered NPD.

    I was stunned to finally understand that my early childhood and ongoing relationships between my mother, father and myself, were awash with the damaging factors which helped to create this dreadfully damaged woman I am today. I will spare you the details but I would say I am the product of an NPD mother and a paternalistic (not sure about NPD) father. Even today, in their 80s, they continue to use their button-pushing and soul-stealing activities against me.

    Later, in my teens, I had a ‘best friend’ whose controlling manipulative behaviours are now so familiar that, in retrospect, she simply must be NPD. Over the years, we reconnected twice and each time, the NPD took over and swallowed me. When I finally extricated myself from her grasp, I told myself to NEVER reconnect. I recently had Facebook friend requests from her and attempts to reconnect directly at reunions and through mutual acquaintances. I am pleased to be holding firm to my decision. I am also pleased (sort of) to see, indirectly through our mutual friends, that she is still seeking her fuel.

    Now, having analyzed that and my other female friendships, I noticed that, although the flavours are slightly different, the bad NPD taste is left in my mouth. I finally exposed these relationships as detrimental and I think I might be able to see them coming before they do more damage.

    I am not exactly a people pleaser, I am an outgoing, dynamic, fearless person who is adventurous and very approachable. I also believe in complimenting people for their positive attributes. Giving people praise should be an affirmation to them and I do not shy away from recognizing people’s skills and gifts. This trait, in itself, is probably the most appealing bait I have to attract the NPD, female or male.

    On the ‘romantic’ side, my relationships with men, have also started to make more sense. I praise the very things that are attractive to me and then add the physical relationship and I am just the most perfect NPD fueling GF on the planet. I have been married and divorced twice and had many much shorter relationships over the last 30 years to support my theory.

    Recently, I thought I had broken my pattern.

    I met a man who I thought deviated completely from the men from my past. He was quiet and did not seem to have much of an ego. He seemed kind and caring and perfect for me after a few weeks of dating and discovering remarkable commonalities. We had crossed paths many times in our lives and he seemed to have sought me out through social media. I was actually flattered by the social ‘stalking’ because it really seemed like a sincere interest of a ‘shy guy’.

    Strangely, we had the most phenomenal ‘connection’ experiences. We seemed to have had so much in common that it was ‘made in heaven’ (I am agnostic). Once, I even sat up during a remarkable text conversation and said out loud to a stranger next to me in a coffee shop that I had found my ‘soulmate’. I had never before believed in that concept. My man claimed the feelings were mutual.

    Eventually and unfortunately, my life became a bit messed up as a result of external influences and I was really unable to provide the attention to my new man that he must have needed. The ‘covert’ NPD started to reveal himself.

    If I needed attention and affection and sympathy for my growing difficulties, he would become sullen and unsympathetic.

    It was at this time that his own psychiatric treatment was becoming clearer. I learned that he is being treated with drugs typically used for bipolar disorder and yet he denied having such a diagnosis. He claimed simple ‘moodiness’ but I was able to identify a collection of ‘moods’ that in time became predictable.

    He slipped into a deep depression state and our time together was spent nursing that state. I spent hours every weekend forgiving his bad behaviours and assuring him that I loved him, that he was wonderful and that I wanted to be with him and wanted him to be ‘better’ no matter what I felt or needed.

    In time, he dumped me because my own situation had become too difficult for him to handle. His completely selfish and self-centered behaviour began to make more and more sense, the further in time I moved from the break-up.

    Now, I have spared the details of ‘he did this’ and ‘they did that’ to support my NPD layman’s diagnosis of all these people in my life.

    What I really want to do is suggest that the person who has NPD is actually similar to the Psychic Cold Reader Fraudster.

    My perfect man ‘stalked’ me in social media to learn some of my feelings and secrets. He would have read the fuel indicators in my likes and comments. He would have learned of my ‘scars’ through my shares and other comments. He reached out to me with a question about a subject that was very close to my heart and obvious in my posts.

    Once we were dating, he would ask me probing questions to which his answer was always ‘Wow… so do I!” He peppered our conversations with the sort of things a woman loves to hear. Compliments that dissolve caution and raise self esteem and trust.

    WE talked about living together and he was even shopping for a house that we could share. His claim that we both shared the same extraordinary feeling of connection stayed strong even through the depression, as long as I submitted and said ‘Honey, my needs are secondary to what you need.’ If he was rude and I said that I was human with feelings and needs, his first response was always, ‘I can’t see this working out.’ Feeling pressured, I would submit.

    Eventually, the ‘dumping’ was extraordinarily cruel and isolating. This man had become my best friend, my lover, and my soul mate. Now suddenly, at the peak of my own crisis, he took away all of those things and devastated me. He refused to talk to me or to text me. He did leave the FB connection intact by staying friends until one day I unfriended him so he no longer had access to my posts. This made him more than a bit angry and he has cut me off completely.

    I am still sad because if he really loved me and we really made the remarkable connection, then this is a great loss. I am in my 50s and so finding such a unique connection is rare and I do not expect that it could happen again. If he is really just a depressed bipolar man in denial, it is sad that he cannot allow me to support him.

    If, however, he is the fake mind reader that I am proposing, this might be a new RED FLAG for identifying the Covert Narcissist.

    I apologize for being so long-winded and I hope this makes sense.

    Cheers!

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