I apologise if this isn't the right place for this question, I searched through all forums to see if this had been asked/covered.
Richard, thank you for validating so many of my experiences, I realise now I'm not oversensitive or crazy. I'm sure you understand how reassuring this is. I stumbled across your YouTube channel a few weeks back, initially NPD videos.
I've come to realise, yes my ex was a narcisisst, and I also think I have C-PTSD, I was neglected in childhood (mum was diagnosed schizoaffective, in and out of psych units, dad worked irregular hours as a prison officer and couldn't change plans too much to help his kids in the way he thought we were more independent and capable than we were, he was diagnosed with PTSD following suicides at work. He was angry and would snap (not violently) at my mum for not tidying or anything (her meds and illness to blame). They were both alcoholics, spent all their time in the pub. Things did improve, their mental health did improve and things changed. But for a long long time there were feelings of abandonment. I remember begging my mum not to go out to the pub sometimes, and occasionally she'd stay and spend time with me and it felt so magical and I felt so loved.
There's some other crap in there, but mainly that in childhood and my ex seem to affect me. For instance, my boyfriend literally just jokingly said "calm down babe" in a cheesy tone, just joking about (because I get excited, ie. our kitten was being cute and I got carried away. I know he loves seeing my adoration for our cats and cute things, I know it was a joke. He is NOTHING like my ex, but hearing that, even though I 100% know the context, I still reacted wrong, and it affects him. Every time I have an emotional flashback, he feels like a monster, he's so apologetic and sorry and genuine, but I fear he'll get bored of me, it won't be just comforting his girlfriend, he'll leave.
My real question is with this knowledge, what do I do? A few months ago I went to my GP about this feeling, before any research, and I told her my ex was abusive and it still affects me today. I told this to her briefly in the last 5 mins of an appointment. She referred me to a service, a wellbeing service, I attended the first session in a uni exam type hall of about 50 people. Learnt it was group, with some smaller groups and 1-1 CBT, and I'd tried CBT before for depression and anxiety and found it very patronising. But I saw a glimmer of hope in this session, but the large group was too much for me, I was referred to a particular course, stress control, which again would be a large group, I tried to go once but managed to get to the end of my road and turned back as I was too nervous. I took a self referral list of contacts of counselling services from this initial meeting too, and I've tried to book an initial appointment/interview/introduction whatever it's called.
But what do I do?
What are the differences between different terms for talk therapy, counsellors, therapists, who can diagnose? do they talk back? can some counsellors just talk and not give any of their own input in? can I go to my GP and say I think have C-PTSD and be taken seriously, not assumed to be a drama queen or liar, as I so often have been. Very luckily, recently my ex's fianceé contacted me asking about him, said she's leaving, it was incredibly validating for me and her to have his behaviour confirmed as real not us being crazy, and to know she's getting out too. I also am very aware that I don't want to do a doctor's job, they're objective and trained, I am not, but I know this reality.
I live in Norfolk in the UK, do you have anyone you recommend? or know? any qualifications or approaches to counselling or talk therapies should I look for? which charitable services (donations provided) are the best for this? can I just talk to my GP? I am really scared about being diagnosed wrong (BPD? I understand it's definitely misunderstood, I have close friends with it, but I know this isn't me, but you talk about the frequency of misdiagnosis). Or just being made out to be dramatic or oversensitive.
I want to get past this, for me, for my partner, for the future I can see with him, I don't want to be, I can't be a parent till I work this stuff out, I mean I'm in no rush to have kids, but this partner has made me realise I can be loved, and there are good people, and my baby fear has gone, the idea of babies and marriage isn't terrifying. I know things could change and we might go our separate ways, but removing that fear was huge for me, I'm scared of making another kid like me. I want a future, not this being stuck in the past.
Thanks, sorry for the bombardment of questions.