Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    Ask Questions Here Please

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    mmh123456789

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2016-12-14

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by mmh123456789 on Wed Dec 14, 2016 11:36 pm

    New to the forum, so if I don't land this in the right spot let me know.

    I've been searching for CPTSD therapists and I'm coming up with nothin'. Does anyone "know a guy/gal"? I'm trying to do my own research and diagnosing but I'm not sure I should be trusted with all of that. Lol!
    I've done as much work on my own as I can and I'm looking for help with diagnosis. If I've got it I'll continue my work. If not, I need to figure out what I do have and work on that. Please advise, thx.

    89abc123

    Posts : 7
    Join date : 2016-04-03

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by 89abc123 on Thu Dec 15, 2016 4:15 am

    What happens when there are 2 narc parents with two children who are both treating the opposite children as golden child/scapegoat. Is it common for narc parents to choose the opposite child than their partner just to spite them. Will both children get npd eventually because of the two separate messages they are receiving or will they just grow up to only love the parent that likes them.


    Larsen.erin93

    Posts : 3
    Join date : 2016-12-16

    Coaching sessions

    Post by Larsen.erin93 on Fri Dec 16, 2016 1:05 am

    PLEASE let me know when you will resume your Skype coaching sessions.

    On route to liberation

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2016-12-19

    Meet up with Narc ex a good thing/bad thing

    Post by On route to liberation on Mon Dec 19, 2016 12:57 pm

    Dear Richard,

    I would first like to thank you for all the information you have uncovered in relation to the topics of Cluster B, Narcissistic Abuse Syndrome and cptsd.

    I have what I hope is a simple question I appreciate your view on; My (what I perceive to be narc ex) wants to meet to discuss the 'hostility and unresolved issues' between us. I have told her I feel this is a bad idea for both of us and in a purely selfish point of view feel it would be an opportunity for her to blame me for all her problems and abuse me again. Am I correct in this way of thinking?

    Please find the below as background:-

    I first met the said girl when she moved into my office of work and was pursued with vigor which of course I found very flattering. This was initially odd as those who knew her before described her as lesbian (however she describes herself as bi-sexual, one wonders if this should be a red flag for narc supply). I initially attempted to set strong boundaries but found myself very quickly falling for this girl. In reflection there were red flags along the way but my good old co-dependent traits came back to haunt me. This included her showing me on the first date a facebook message from an an-ominous person slating her and effectively calling her a fake.

    Having said the above the first couple of months were amassing, I was lulled into thinking I had met someone who genuinely understood me for who I was and wanted to be with me for the way I am, another co-dependent? I thought. Of course the sex was great which added to this connection. After 2 months she had to move back into her parents house whilst she was looking for a place closer to our office of work. Here I was wary as I got the impression that her mother was highly cluster b as she had abandoned the girl right after birth to pursue her career, her father had left before she was born. This meant she was raised by her grandparents for her formative years whilst the mother found a suitable husband to settle with.

    My ex went from happy, loving and apparently caring to a depressed abusive nightmare where I was seemingly unable to make her happy in any way possible. Of course the sex stopped which caused me to feel sexually rejected but added to this was her attempts to break the reality of who I was. I went from a confident high work performing individual to a shell of a person who was unable to clean my flat for instance. I was told that everyone thought I was arrogant and I was the one who was causing her to be depressed. She openly flirted with other men in front of me but by this time all my boundaries, if there were there in the first place had been broken down. This made me feel so small and I will always remember shaking whilst laying next to her after another sexual rejection. She finally split with me after ringing me at 4.30 am in the morning to say she couldn't do it any more.

    Initially I felt a modicum of relief from the break-up but it was whilst sitting at my desk one day I realised that I wanted to cry but couldn't and then one evening when it was only the two of us in the office I had a huge adrenaline spike which almost made me run out of the office. I have noticed over the last 2 months of separation that she seemed to get over the relationship very quickly (no genuine empathy, vulnerability or connection as you have recently commented in one of your videos) whilst I just felt a numbness never before experienced.

    I am very lucky in that I have a great relationship with my management and it was the department head to asked me one day if I was ok? I let it all out and explained how I had felt abused by this individual and the managers in my office have been very supportive to me in this situation. I have deliberately not interacted with ex in any way but the pain of seeing her every day has brought constant flash-backing and although I feel I have not performed to my usual standards recently but feelmI have managed to keep it together well. I now know the girl is being moved on from the department which is a crumb of comfort but I feel sad that the whole relationship went this way.

    It is so tough to tell yourself you fell for something which wasn't real and that you confuse love and abuse. I have started reading Pete Walkers book under your recommendation, although I don't know if it is a miss print but the copy I obtained is back to front (gaslighting to the extreme lol). I realise that I have a lot of work to do to recover from this situation but feel somewhat excited as this is an opportunity to grow and maybe I have more potential to succeed in life to get to where my career and life ambitions want to take me.

    I would apologise for the length of text but know that I would be being co-dependent (we are all learning) in doing so, however I must reiterate again that you have been invaluable in me starting my recovery process and like alot of other people owe you a gratitude.

    Thank you for your kindness, help and empathy,

    James

    ChanandlerBong

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-12-28

    What's the next step? after realising I have C-PTSD

    Post by ChanandlerBong on Wed Dec 28, 2016 6:03 pm

    I apologise if this isn't the right place for this question, I searched through all forums to see if this had been asked/covered.

    Richard, thank you for validating so many of my experiences, I realise now I'm not oversensitive or crazy. I'm sure you understand how reassuring this is. I stumbled across your YouTube channel a few weeks back, initially NPD videos.

    I've come to realise, yes my ex was a narcisisst, and I also think I have C-PTSD, I was neglected in childhood (mum was diagnosed schizoaffective, in and out of psych units, dad worked irregular hours as a prison officer and couldn't change plans too much to help his kids in the way he thought we were more independent and capable than we were, he was diagnosed with PTSD following suicides at work. He was angry and would snap (not violently) at my mum for not tidying or anything (her meds and illness to blame). They were both alcoholics, spent all their time in the pub. Things did improve, their mental health did improve and things changed. But for a long long time there were feelings of abandonment. I remember begging my mum not to go out to the pub sometimes, and occasionally she'd stay and spend time with me and it felt so magical and I felt so loved.

    There's some other crap in there, but mainly that in childhood and my ex seem to affect me. For instance, my boyfriend literally just jokingly said "calm down babe" in a cheesy tone, just joking about (because I get excited, ie. our kitten was being cute and I got carried away. I know he loves seeing my adoration for our cats and cute things, I know it was a joke. He is NOTHING like my ex, but hearing that, even though I 100% know the context, I still reacted wrong, and it affects him. Every time I have an emotional flashback, he feels like a monster, he's so apologetic and sorry and genuine, but I fear he'll get bored of me, it won't be just comforting his girlfriend, he'll leave.

    My real question is with this knowledge, what do I do? A few months ago I went to my GP about this feeling, before any research, and I told her my ex was abusive and it still affects me today. I told this to her briefly in the last 5 mins of an appointment. She referred me to a service, a wellbeing service, I attended the first session in a uni exam type hall of about 50 people. Learnt it was group, with some smaller groups and 1-1 CBT, and I'd tried CBT before for depression and anxiety and found it very patronising. But I saw a glimmer of hope in this session, but the large group was too much for me, I was referred to a particular course, stress control, which again would be a large group, I tried to go once but managed to get to the end of my road and turned back as I was too nervous. I took a self referral list of contacts of counselling services from this initial meeting too, and I've tried to book an initial appointment/interview/introduction whatever it's called.

    But what do I do?

    What are the differences between different terms for talk therapy, counsellors, therapists, who can diagnose? do they talk back? can some counsellors just talk and not give any of their own input in? can I go to my GP and say I think have C-PTSD and be taken seriously, not assumed to be a drama queen or liar, as I so often have been. Very luckily, recently my ex's fianceé contacted me asking about him, said she's leaving, it was incredibly validating for me and her to have his behaviour confirmed as real not us being crazy, and to know she's getting out too. I also am very aware that I don't want to do a doctor's job, they're objective and trained, I am not, but I know this reality.

    I live in Norfolk in the UK, do you have anyone you recommend? or know? any qualifications or approaches to counselling or talk therapies should I look for? which charitable services (donations provided) are the best for this? can I just talk to my GP? I am really scared about being diagnosed wrong (BPD? I understand it's definitely misunderstood, I have close friends with it, but I know this isn't me, but you talk about the frequency of misdiagnosis). Or just being made out to be dramatic or oversensitive.

    I want to get past this, for me, for my partner, for the future I can see with him, I don't want to be, I can't be a parent till I work this stuff out, I mean I'm in no rush to have kids, but this partner has made me realise I can be loved, and there are good people, and my baby fear has gone, the idea of babies and marriage isn't terrifying. I know things could change and we might go our separate ways, but removing that fear was huge for me, I'm scared of making another kid like me. I want a future, not this being stuck in the past.

    Thanks, sorry for the bombardment of questions.

    swissalps16

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-10-06

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by swissalps16 on Thu Dec 29, 2016 2:51 pm

    Hey Richard,

    I know this has been mentioned in various ways through some of your videos, but do you think it would be possible to specifically address the concept of 'learn helplessness' in a new video? Based on things you've said and material I've read from people like Pete Walker, it appears as if this is a very serious/central issue that affects a huge number of CPTSD sufferers, particularly those who lean towards the fawn and freeze ends of responding since they were often the most stripped of self-protection and self-sufficiency tools as young children. I recall you mentioning that borderline mothers often emotionally hobble their children to keep them restricted and infantilized so that they can't grow up and leave the house. Do you think you could just add to some of these ideas and offer advice for channel followers who may be dealing with this problem, especially some of the younger viewers. Pete Walker, and others, have described how angering work can accomplish a lot in reducing the feeling of helplessness that is so common in flashbacks. Do you think many CPTSD victims raised by NPD + BPD parents often develop an internal dialogue that tells them they're more helpless than they really are, and that the world is scarier than it really is?

    thanks

    ChanandlerBong

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-12-28

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by ChanandlerBong on Mon Jan 02, 2017 2:40 pm

    I second swissalps16 question please, swissalps16 your comment seemed very familar to me, my parents weren't NPD/BPD though, schizoaffective disorder and PTSD so I don't know if that factored or just factored in a different way, it's certainly relevant due to the way they both were with emotion, alcohol and neglect. Not their fault at all, I realised this when I was older so I think it helped me heal some degree, but the roots were still there. But my mum did baby my brother and I. But I certainly lean towards fawn and freeze, was totally stripped of self protection and self suffiency tools too. Thanks for your comment, it was very validating, I'm only recently aware of all this, I hope there's a video made or there's some way you can get help for this Smile

    I guess this will help quite a lot, though many questions will do. Thank you Mark

    Pigletburger

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2017-01-06

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Pigletburger on Mon Jan 09, 2017 3:14 am

    I am aware of some of the implications here but I am entirely desperate for answers. In early December I began to realize my 26 year old son had been abusing me for a long time. He is soft spoken and has never called me a name. He is extremely sensitive, which may be why it took me a long time to see that his tone of voice and his constant soft denigrating of me and my decisions was abuse.

    Then in 2015 we lost a friend to mental illness and suicide and after that my son began gaslighting me. He would often tell me he had already told me something or if I pointed something out he would say yeah, I already said something about that the other day.

    For a few months when responding to me he would turn his face down and away from me and speak softly when answering. I would ask him to repeat himself and he would answer "Are you having trouble hearing?" His behavior continued and his comments became "You must be getting old, since you can't hear anymore". It was a wierd time that ended when I told him that my hearing was excellent and if he wanted to communicate with me it was his responsibility to ensure that I heard him otherwise I would be sure he was trying to not have me hear him and I would ignore him. And the behavior stopped completely.

    I do not know if he is a covert N or not but I heard you say in the London Seminar that these guys become hardwired by 30 so thats terrifying. I am definately an empath and doormat I now realize, but I did not abuse him and there were consequences for behaviors as a child. I did raise him alone because his father bowed out when he heard the heartbeat inutero. Big covert N I now realize. But he has never even met my son.

    I am aware I must work on myself and I am and I plan to continue. But I have not been able to find anything about our situation. And since I
    started working on this issue I sent my son an email telling him I was working on my boundaries and asking for his support. He had an immediate overreaction via phone and email, telling me he knew I was up set and now I had upset hm and he didn't know why and calling me passive aggressive and asking me to call.

    He is used to my responding to him immediately and I did not. The next day I sent an email saying I was not upset at all, I was good. I was not happy with our relationship and I was getting some help with that. I asked for his cooperation and support. That was December 19 and he has not replied although I emailed twice more simply asking for his support. I also sent an email on Christmas Day since we had spent every Christmas since his birth together, again no reply.

    And I am dealing with my flashbacks surrounding abandonment. I have a lot of goopy history with my father's suicide when I was 8 and I was left with my Mother who I believe is autistic based on her behavior, and my golden brother.

    So now I am left with wondering what happened to my son? I'm hopeful he is not fully N., but even so he is perhaps erasing me and portraying me as the abusive party, and still I am his Mom and I feel desperate to find a way to motivate him to get help quickly while there is time. And I know we are not supposed to have contact with an N, but this is my Son, this must be my fault, my responsibility.

    I am working on myself. I do get that part. And I'm really feeling torn to pieces by all of this and I am desperate to have some idea where this goes. I want to have a good relationship with my son and myself.

    Larsen.erin93

    Posts : 3
    Join date : 2016-12-16

    PLEASE HELP!

    Post by Larsen.erin93 on Tue Jan 17, 2017 7:44 pm

    I kind of think my mom is a covert narcissist but with recent events I think it may be more sinister. Example..when I was younger she would catch me self mutilating myself, stand over me watching & mock me. Saying things like "stop over reacting, stop trying to get attention, stop letting your emotions control your life" while my blood was literally spilling on the floor combined with my own snot / tears. My little sister (age 17) was hyper ventilating in the corner lastnight crying saying she just wanted to kill herself. My mom watched her & said the same things she told me while rolling her eyes in annoyance. (I have broken contact with my mom for a year now) what the fuck is wrong with her? I don't think narcissist is enough to describe her anymore. I don't know what's wrong with her. Who the fuck would do that to their kids? Please help. I've watched all your videos, they're phenomenal but never dark enough. I really hope you can answer this. I hope it makes sense..my sister is safe btw she moved in with her dad but I know my mom will come for her.

    Girl from Poland

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2017-01-18
    Age : 28
    Location : Poland

    questions

    Post by Girl from Poland on Wed Jan 18, 2017 4:31 pm

    Hi Richard

    I,m little bit confused. I perfectly understand what You're saying on You Tube channel but there's some questions that constantly popping out.

    1. If narcisist or co-dependent ect. leave someone when they don't feed their needs... how this is any different than normal love and romantic relationships? For example: if someone cut You off his/hers love You'll find it elswhere (after some time). Ofcorse it will be some trying to get back the love of your partner. And this is exactly the same as You speak about narcisist and their prey. They'll push You and suddenly stop and wait for You to come, they know You would come. Love is a drug-like feeling and narcisists use very similar thing.

    2. What is concept of healthy love? What it is supposed to look like (not from the outside but from inside view). What are the healthy values that people looking for in relationships?

    3. How can I tell if I'm damaged at some point and how bad? You talk on YouTube that some guy (narcisist) told his girlfriend for years that she is the one with the problem. Can I somehow check if I'm the problem or someone... or someone was the troublemaker for me (childhood) and now I'm toxic. I dont want to be but it seems to be things that I don't see and it affects my relationship (that's why I dont know who is the toxic one or we are both wounded... and toxic (?)).

    4. If I'm toxic somehow how can I monitoring my behavior and make sure that I'm not hurting people around me? I obviously don't see this, if I were I'would stop or try doing the opposite.


    I'm confused because it seem (to me) to be no relationships or love at all if people are mentally healthy. Why? Because if they were their wont have any needs iside them that other person could fill so why be with someone at all? I'm not talking about deep needs like "you must fill my day because I cant" but light ones like "share a day or moment with someone".

    I'm not teasing with You. I trying very hard to understand all Your teaching but there is things like this that I simply don't understand. Maybe I'm som sort of co-dependent too and I have a blind spot for understanding this. So please help me see the point.

    PS: I'm waiting to see a psychologist ot first time with my own will. Earlier (when I was 15) parents send me to a bunch of shitty therapist ect because they want to know what is wrong with me (and I don't think there was anything at the time). Now I'm 27 and I'm realy scared that I'll go to another shitty therapist and it will make more demage than good.
    So please let me know if somewhere in the future will be a chance to talk to You. Tell me what costs I have to consider. I'm desperate to change something or just stop everything at all (I live 15 years with this neverending, scary darkness).


    Someonesomeone

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-01-23

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Someonesomeone on Mon Jan 23, 2017 7:54 pm

    Hi,

    I'm 22-years-old student living on my own. Sorry in advance for the venting nature of this post. I believe both of my parents have some flavor of BPD, my father being explosive type and my mother being sensitive/quiet type. In my childhood, they were constantly fighting physically and mentally and threatening to leave each other. There was alcohol abuse, suicide-threats were made by my mother, no privacy; phones and letters were searched and my father used to disappear for days. Etc. I acknowledged the dynamics from quite early on and secluded myself from the family as much as possible. I became the scapegoat, was called "crazy" and they took me to psychologists but never mentioned there was anything wrong besides me. They were "the normals", I was "the crazy". I developed selective mutism as an attempt to protest because I couldn't escape the situation any other way. I stopped communicating with my parents or other people who were in their influence 'til I was 18 and no longer legally bind by them and could move away from home. The moving out was a struggle. When I was packing my mother cried that I shouldn't leave them but I dissociated hard enough to not care. She kept calling me and I could hear from her voice she was breaking down.

    Fast forward to this day my parents have been divorced. Now the story has changed. My mother sees herself as a survivor of some sort. She admits that they had problems but blames it all on my father. She feels "sorry for us" because we had such a father but is "happy" how well we turned out. She says she has tried to tell my father "how everybody thinks he has made our life a hell but he just won't listen". She erases all her responsibility from the image.

    One of her most infuriating behaviors is offering help to people when it's clear she's the one in distress. My interpretation is that it's her coping mechanism. What she actually does is projecting her own feelings onto others and using other people as pawns "who need her help" so she can keep on living as the person "who has nada problems but actually is helping others" (similarly to when they declared I was "the crazy" ((so that must mean they're not))).

    Today I don't keep contact with them but I haven't blocked them from my phone either. My father is ok with it so there's no problem but my mother tries to keep contact. I feel I'm getting more old and I'm bitter because of the memories and how it's still an on going thing with her. My question is, should I just lash out on my mother and tell her my side of the story?

    What she is doing makes my blood boil. But you can't tell her she's deluded because there's a bubble around her that can't be penetrated. Said anybody anything "bad" to her, she will brush it off as "bad behavior" or similar. Plus I think she's actually suffering deep down (well duh). I like to believe she deep down knows what she's doing and karma will take care of it. Also I've been as blunt with her as possible without breaking any boundaries. I won't modify my behavior to fit her imaginations and I won't tell her I'm sorry for my independence. She has decreased the contact somewhat after I started being like that so maybe she's hearing the message.

    But on the other hand what they did was simply wrong and I believe she should be able to hear it. She can't just live on thinking she did nothing wrong. She happily put me to institutions and declared me "crazy" only to save her own ass. Plus the suicide threats and fighting she engaged in weren't clearly as "normal parenting" as she likes to imagine (besides the suicide threats, she sometimes blamed kids for her "having to die"). As I said I'm getting more old and I want to get over this, or at least a little bit more over this. I'm afraid she'll think she can still somehow use me as her puppet if I don't clearly stand my stance. I'm not happy with myself that it has gone this far anyways.


    Last edited by Someonesomeone on Mon Jan 23, 2017 8:07 pm; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : More info)

    Jannike

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-01-24

    Language and affirmations

    Post by Jannike on Tue Jan 24, 2017 8:25 pm

    In today’s video you commented on the way the question was formulated and it got me thinking about language. I believe words create our reality. What we do not have words for we have difficulty grasping. I would not say it is impossible though. For instance, a pregnant woman could feel the baby as a separate individual inside her and as a part of herself, both equally true at the same time. Still, we are usually confined within the ‘either – or’, by the syntax of our western language (?).

    I am Norwegian and I am usually doing affirmations in English. Depending on which language I use, I can feel my character shift slightly. In addition, most of the rubbish software I am working on replacing is from before the time I knew any English at all. I am wondering whether the choice of language matter when doing affirmations.

    Girl from Poland

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2017-01-18
    Age : 28
    Location : Poland

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Girl from Poland on Wed Jan 25, 2017 5:16 am

    Hi Richard

    It will be quick now. I found interesting video which for me is amazing example of world of overt narcisist. Take a look and tell what You think as an expert.

    "Chase & Status - Let You Go ft. Mali "

    christina.s

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2016-05-19

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by christina.s on Fri Jan 27, 2017 9:24 pm

    Is it possible that our feelings led us to get abused by narcissists?

    because my therapist says, as you always say, "follow your feelings" and "feel your feelings", and I do remember me feeling a lot of strong emotions for the people that abused me, before and of course after the abuse. Its like my radar was misleading, instead of saying "danger" it was saying "here you get attention after all! go for the magic!". and then I had all these trauma responses of fawning then freezing then fighting then freezing then fawning again. Cause I always wanted to give advice afterwards to my abusers, even though they almost signed a "death wish" for me. and then constant flight responses.
    I have had no contact with my parents or any family member for 10 years. i was alone. but i was too afraid to open up my feelings and thats where I attracted all the hxc abuse. in a way I realise now, I was subconsciously looking for people that reminded me of my problematic relations in order for my feelings to surface and to realise them and cleanse them. I must say, I was feeling guilty for having no contact, since my parents narcissism led them to bipolar psychosis and they were after a point unable to normally function.
    I notice that even after the realisations, after constant crying and feeling the pain, ok I was still using some escape substances when crying, or I was stopping, crying too much, then smoking weed to relax. and it took a lot of time until I realised I needed help to stop those substances. I was trying to quit and I couldnt. Then I went to rehab.
    So now, after more than 2 years of therapy with no escapist substances and with putting limits I never even thought I could put. For example I have stopped smoking nicotine too, after 17 years. Or I have started doing sports, which was always triggering my relationship with my narc father.
    Now, I see that following my feelings still gets me in places of danger. Only I am safer now in myself and I get away sooner, much before a trauma occurs. You mentioned it in a video, that we may be constantly doing what we are good at, like flight response.
    I think I still attract some narcs in order to cleanse feelings that are too deep in my subconscious and too hard to face.
    I still have no contact with my father. I lost my mother after having some contact with her again the last years.

    So, I notice that I am constantly on survival mode. I can never make it to pay my bills on time, I always have stress with my rent, always find ways to get food or clothes without a cost, like state help and so on, since Im constantly under the levels of a standard living.
    I have also always had some weight gain and loss issues constantly, because I cannot control my money and food. But I have put an effort on putting limits on that too, now. And I keep a journal of nutrition every day since a year now.
    I even started studying. before I felt too poor and that I was socially excluded from studies and that I had to do it diy, on my own. which was another constant stress. so I really put an effort on going in a University and Im very happy with this. I do hope that in a few years I will have better work options and more stability because of my studies, and more professionality.

    Up to now, no matter how hard I tried and try, I cant get any stability on the work level because my relations are always corrupted in work as they are in my personal life.
    I have stopped everyone in the past again and again, friends, workmates, bosses, places. I changed countries too.
    New relations seem to be a constant repeat of the past. and I do try hard to feel my feels and to use logic and all my critical thinking. BUT i sometimes feel that I grew up this way and its really hard to change this feeling. of constantly being under survival stress. As you may guess, even as a child I had stress of how my parents will pay the rent or feed me. I have this stress since around 10 years old.
    So, I often feel hopeless. like my whole life is gonna be a constant strain on surviving on my own.
    and I must say its where both my bipolar-narcissists parents have been for many years. on survival mode. and I was feeling many years guilt, irrational guilt, because I couldnt help them get better. therapists explained me that is natural for kids to feel this way when the lives of their parents are getting destroyed to the core. and that it wasnt my fault for sure.

    Im more than two years now in therapy and I dont think I would have made it through without your videos which are a nice company, especially when repetition keeps happening, even though for smaller periods.
    and lately I also started wondering, should I after all go for people that dont remind me of anyone at all? and is that possible anyway? because when people remind me of someone, its usually issues to be resolved from my narc parents and the people are usually either narcs, or a bit unstable, and traumatic. And exploiting. And its not a matter of flashbacks. Its a matter of repetition of trauma.

    anyway, thanx for doing all these free videos, I really appreciate your work and its a type of company in lonely days of distress and confusion.

    ------
    P.S. and after writing you all these, and going through another stressful feelings repetition, I realised its time to follow your basic advice and I did order yesterday the two books of Pete Walker, athough Im short of money. its always a matter of priorities, I learned that in rehab. cyclops


    Last edited by christina.s on Thu Feb 02, 2017 11:42 am; edited 2 times in total

    LauraJ

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-01-29

    Accepting the worst is true and then dealing with mutual friends

    Post by LauraJ on Sun Jan 29, 2017 12:42 am

    Hi, I went out with a guy who ws originally one of my friends as part of a local meetup group, we dated for a while then went out for three months. Only about a month after we broke up, (he dumped me) and reflecting on things did I realize id been dealing with a covert cerebral narcissist. In order to go no contact and to stop him messing with my head I deleted and blocked him on Facebook, as well as one of my female friends who I felt was flirting with him since the minute we broke up. Also, awkwardly, I've had to avoid and rsvp no to meetup events he's going to and it's a logistical and (more importantly) an emotional confusing nightmare. That being said I didn't know for sure that I was right because he doesn't have every characteristic of a narcissist, eg. I've never heard him put anyone down, which seems a bit odd, so I was thinking (or hoping?) maybe he's just a bit of a jerk but not that bad, and perhaps we could be friends eventually so it's not so unpleasant. About ten days ago he texted me and I broke no contact by confronting him that I'd heard he has a new girlfiriend already and (because it's so soon) I felt he'd been dishonest with me when we were together and so we couldn't be friends. His response wasn't to assert his right to move on, but to deny he had a girlfriend and to swear he had no interest in having one, the. He laid on the guilt by saying he was saddened i was so ready to think badly of him. Then he wanted to meet for coffee to talk properly, as surely that would help, as he said it wasn't good for either of us to leave things so sour. I managed to keep my resolve and not respond. Anyway I was just on my way back from the pub late at night, and I walked past hi in the street, and he has this blonde woman (older like him as he's ten years older) very much on his arm and clearly headed to his place. He blanked me. She looked miserable. She's not all that good looking either but I just feel absolutely cut to the heart. If I hadn't been listening to all your stuff I'd have gone to pieces, as it is I'm just completely heartbroken. Because this proves he is a liar, that the entire relationship really was just merely a manipulation and I have zero closure or hope of any friendship, even just an amicable fake one, later down the road. My question is, and I hope it doesn't annoy you, but how do I get over this kind of disappointment in a person who I thought was once my friend but is actually not even someone I know? How do I come to terms with the anger and fury of being treated so badly and being lied to (and god knows how many more lies there were) especially when I know I might run into him again and when we share the same social circle? Do I sacrifice friends and move house just to keep my sanity? Or do I continue to actively avoid him which keeps serving as a reminder? I'm also hurt that friends are not more supportive, not that I've said much, but I could really do with that and it makes me feel worse. I've also deleted thie mutual female friend from Facebook and it turns out she's not the girlfriend as I was told, or at least she's not the only one. I feel like some people are either uncaring about me or are happy for me to think the worst and stir things up.This is all hard for me as I just rebuilt my social life after an even worse relationship breakup 14 months ago. But the whole thing is becoming more awkward. I'm hurting so bad right now and feel terrible about myself, even though logically I think he should be the one to be sad to have lost me, he just isn't and I'm heartbroken anyway. I've started to implement your other advice on recovery, and I'd really appreciate your suggestions and help with this situation and how to recover without these setbacks.
    Update: he then later texted and told me she ws just a long term friend visiting from Dorset/Devon (which one?!) I've told him I didn't believe him & I know he has casual relationships, thT I've been told about the elderly woman he had a friends with benefits fling with last Xmas. That I don't want to be friends or meet up to talk as he wants to as I prefer people with higher standards. Will I never hear from him again and was I right? I'm scared he'll run a smear campaign against me now. He's trying to come across as wanting to make peace. Am I wrong? Should I move away? I can't handle running into him when he twists everything and gets to me emotionally. I'm so hurt. I don't know how to handle the situation when we have the same friends, same town etc.Sorry it's long, just wanted to explain the background.

    Possum

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-02-01

    Depression after breaking no contact

    Post by Possum on Wed Feb 01, 2017 12:14 pm

    Dear Richard,

    I have been watching a lot of your videos lately and doing extra research. I have four children with my husband (we were together for 14 years from when we were 18) and we are separated. He has had a new source of supply since 3 months after our separation. I have NEVER said one word to him about her even though she spends time with our children etc and have not given him any reaction about anything as I know he would love it. I was using no contact when I don't see him and grey rock when we swap over our children. He constantly hoovers me and I feel deliberately asks me out on dates in front of our children (which gets their hopes up that he might come back and live with us) he will not let up and I feel like if I just give him what he wants then he won't get the kids hopes up and I won't be in this mental battlefield anymore. I have been so strong the past 18 months but lately I have been breaking no contact and am finding I am getting extremely depressed and having intrusive thoughts. I get so angry with myself when I break no contact and don't understand what is wrong with me.

    Why after so long am I breaking no contact it doesn't make any sense?
    Is doing too much research on NPD hindering my healing?
    Do you know any NPD abuse therapists in Sydney?


    Minothey

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2016-03-31

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Minothey on Thu Feb 02, 2017 2:17 am

    Moin from Hamburg!

    Richie, a few months ago you asked me to remined you to do a video on selfharm.
    I forgot.
    Now I remembered, so:

    You wanted to do a video on selfharm  Very Happy

    Minothey

    Posts : 5
    Join date : 2016-03-31

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Minothey on Thu Feb 02, 2017 2:52 am

    Hey there!

    I got a big therapyproblem:

    Situation: I got some issues with sexual abuse and am dealing with huge emotional flashbacks and dissociative cramp-attacs when something triggers that topic. I identified the triggers a long time ago and just avoided them for years now. There were some situations when I could not avoid it and freaked out, but in general it was a quite practical solution.
    In the last months I realized that I really made progress in topics like social anxiety, I got a lot more honest, I´m feeling very much better, I´m getting quite a good captain for my spacecraft and get a lot more mature in my decisions because I did my therapy on all the narcicistic abuse in my family. But there still is ahuge amount of shame, guilt, body-acceptance-problems, eating-problems, fear of women, fear of men in a certain age going towards me... This stuff just interferes with my life, makes me react strange in social contacts and blocks me from having a partner or a sexlife.
    I really want to get rid of these problems and learn something new about how to deal with sexuality.

    Problem: I cannot talk about what happened. As soon as someone gets to that topic, I lack words and fall into a speechless terror. It´s crazy, it just feels like something is blocking in my head. I know what happened, but I can´t speak it out loud. Instead I feel so ashamed that I look down and fall into silence. Research says, that it might be that my Broca-Areal (Rauch et al 2010) just shuts down due to the trauma. To me that makes really much sence, but what to do now? I even cannot write it or draw it. I know I have to let my therapist know what´s going on, I know I have to talk about it, break the silence to bring it into reality - but how?
    Any suggestions? (EMDR is not working by the way, it just makes me dizzy)

    Greetings,

    Katrin

    jravara

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-01-28

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by jravara on Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:17 am

    Can Sam Vaknin be autistic?


    Last edited by jravara on Tue Feb 07, 2017 1:20 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : Gramatical Perfection)

    Bee

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2017-01-17

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by Bee on Sat Feb 18, 2017 9:01 pm

    Hope I'm in right place. With ref to your vid on Split \Multiple personality. I have a theory that the inner critic/harsh judge is the NPDs original abuser. This is based on my experience of living with and being horrifically abused by a Malignant/Phychopathic deranged lunatic several years ago. His sister told me his dad was exactly the same. My therapy 10 years ago consisted of the Freedom program, counselling through Women's Aid and a piece on the double bind theory about the Mormon church which was all I had at the time. Coincidentally my situation had nothing to do with any church it was just info. However, I could identify him as the binder and me as the bound and through reading it I could cut the knots. But I could see him as a bound also, which would suggest no autonomy in him. Sorry for rambling. I don't pity him and he's dead now but viewing him that way helped me to shrink his power over me. Just wondered what you thought. Who is the NPDs inner critic?
    avatar
    mymoodringisblack

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-02-26

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by mymoodringisblack on Mon Feb 27, 2017 1:11 pm

    Hi Richard!

    You're logical reasoning skills are simply brilliant!

    Quick question for you:

    How does a mother with postpartum depression compare to the narcissistic mother in terms of inducing cptsd in her children?

    epinicion

    Posts : 3
    Join date : 2016-08-26

    Using Tony Attwood's work to distinguish between Asperger's and covert NPD

    Post by epinicion on Tue Feb 28, 2017 5:52 pm

    I would be very interested in seeing a discussion that pairs your work on covert NPD with Tony Attwood's work on Asperger's. After grappling with whether my husband has covert NPD for nearly a year, our 6-year-old son was diagnosed with Asperger's that mainly manifests through his auditory, tactile, and vestibuler sensory processing issues.

    Given that ASD is genetic, I've been reexamining my husband's behavior through this lens with the help of Attwood's research, which has shifted my perspective of several things:


    • Poor ability to read and understand how to respond to emotional cues vs. not caring about others emotions[/*]
    • Not understanding the logic behind why others need regular physical affection and compliments vs. maliciously withholding these things[/*]
    • Spending all of his time immersed in his special interest in reaction to stress vs. primary supply[/*]
    • Love bombing vs. Aspies not having learned the proper social script for relationships after the courtship phase[/*]
    • Very literal and logical arguments vs. twisting words for the sake of being manipulative[/*]


    I'm not finding that being married to a probable Aspie is any more of a picnic than being married to someone with covert NPD (and he still has a healthy narcissistic streak), but for the time being I'm a bit stuck. A lot of the strategies I've learned through your courses still work wonderfully, but other times the tools Attwood suggests for communicating with people with Asperger's make a world of difference (i.e., I get what I need sometimes instead of sending him retreating to his special interest for days).

    Thanks!

    oneshyi

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2017-03-20

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by oneshyi on Mon Mar 20, 2017 9:46 am

    Richard Grannon wrote:hey folks, Im receiving questions all over the place at the moment and so many of them are absolute gold that it seems a shame to not cover them.

    Please ask them all here and I will try and keep copy and pasting questions into this forum too.

    Thanks!

    Hi Richard! I have been following your work since 2014 and am very glad to have found and joined the forums!
    I really appreciate the help you have been putting out, and it certainly would not have been as confronting for me if it were not also for all the thought provoking questions you ask both in your videos as well as in your courses. They have helped me tremendously.

    I was just wondering if the Game of Trolls/Logical Fallacies video is on your list for future posts? I really enjoyed your video on Critical Thinking and would love to learn about logical fallacies in the context of narcissistic individuals and/or groups.

    crystallised

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-03-24

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by crystallised on Sat Mar 25, 2017 9:08 am

    Hi Richard,

    I'm with oneshyi on the Game of Trolls/Logical Fallacies, I'd love to know more if you ever decide to do another video on that. It's so much easier to deal with abusive people if you know the tactics they use. It helps me cut through the chronic naievety and it's so much it harder for anyone to push your buttons if you can see what they're doing  Cool

    I'd also like to thank you for everything you do, it's made a massive difference in my life (not even exaggerating, you've handed me some pretty big pieces of my puzzle).

    One thing I'd like to ask about is getting to feel more safe. I've heard you mention it here and there, and for me it's one of the things I haven't been able to solve yet. My bag of tricks contains mostly energy healing methods, so I'm throwing them at the problem, but I prefer to back them up with practical things as well. I find it works better that way. In Pete Walker's book I found Inner Child work, self compassion and self championing, and that helps, only sometimes it doesn't feel safe to self champion and I end up going in circles.

    Like when I decide (with intent behind it 'that's it, I've had it, I'm doing this') to excercise more and out of nowhere an (old) injury plays up and I'm physically unable to follow through. Then when I let the idea go the injury disappears quicker than expected. Until the next time I try to use my frustration to move forward. My subconscious/unconscious seems to apply the emergency brake because that particular subject or action doesn't feel safe yet. The same with journaling and writing things down. That triggers my flight reflex like there's no tomorrow and when I go digging for why, it's the feeling safe issue again. I'm not telling you how much time I spent on this post, it's embarrassing, lol.

    So I'm wondering if you have any tips to help the process along?

    healingmymind

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2017-03-27

    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

    Post by healingmymind on Mon Mar 27, 2017 1:56 pm

    Hi Richard,

    I am brand new to the forum but have been watching your videos and Sam Vaknin's videos for a couple of years. You have both helped me immensely with your videos.

    I was in a relationship for a number of years with a woman with BPD traits and NPD traits, as well as an alcohol problem.

    I have a question about how someone who has been a victim of abuse bridges the gap between how when I look at the situation logically I can see that I need to stay away from my ex for my own sanity, but emotionally I still miss her every day - it makes no sense to me. I have been struggling with that now on a daily basis for many months.

    I was gaslit within an inch of my sanity.

    I ended up severely depressed. I have been working with a therapist for many months to try to heal, and am finally out of depression, but even today, every morning when I wake up it is to a dream about the abuse. In the dream I am trying to come up with some kind of solution to it all - trying to make sense of it all. I feel pretty traumatised by it all.

    I watched your doco "Narcissistic Abuse: An Unspoken Reality" a few days ago.

    The people in the video put into words exactly what I was feeling but couldn't put into my own words - it was as if I had all these confusing versions / interpretation of events and what they meant in my head as a result of the abuse and gaslighting, and when I saw the people in the video talking about what they had been through, hearing others talk about abuse validated for me which of the different versions of gaslit reality in my head is the truth. It helped a lot.

    So I guess my question is, what should someone do who feels stuck in that "no mans land" between knowing logically that what you went through was abuse, recognizing symptoms of BPD and NPD for what they are ... and the emotional part of my brain remembering how my ex was for the first part of our relationship and being bonded to the memory of the good times ?

    Logically I can look at the situation and see the abuse for what it was, but emotionally I still miss the person she was for the first part of our relationship, and am finding it very very difficult to let go of the hopes and dreams that I had for a future with the person who I thought she was.

    I know what trauma bonding is, and I understand how it works, but what are some actual steps that I should be taking each day to break that emotional bond to those hopes and dreams ?


    Thanks again for your videos, articles and this forum. You are performing an immensely important service for people all over the world.

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    Re: Ask Questions Here Please

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