Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    Too friendly to go n.c. or grey stone...

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    Mar

    Posts : 11
    Join date : 2015-11-27

    Too friendly to go n.c. or grey stone...

    Post by Mar on Wed Feb 03, 2016 11:36 pm

    This is not a very active forum alas, but I will tell you about my problem after all, because there is nowhere else to turn.
    Just writing it down might also help me making things clearer a bit.

    Here's the thing: I've gone n.c. for more then two years with my ex-husband despite the fact  that we still have a son between us of just 18. He's living with me and visits his father and his new wife every now and then. Naturally they are not paying any childsupport whatsoever despite the fact that they have two fulltime salaries. But what the heck.

    Last week ex called me to inform me about his younger brother's suicide.
    He was crying his eyes out and seemed very sad indeed as one gets after such an event. And I felt very sorry for him. "I know you don't want me in your life", he whimpered and I went soft immediately. Since then he has already phoned me 5 or 6 times and of course I met him at the funeral. He'd chosen  Boyzone's 'No matter what' as a farewell song and it touched my heart to the very core.

    it made me think of these sad children of extremely abusive and anti-social parents. These two brothers struggling to stay alive and survive.
    The elder one escaped at 15 he was the black sheep, but the younger one stayed and looked after his parents until they were both dead. He was then in his midst thirthies. He looked for help, went into therapy, but he always said that he wanted to commit suicide. And last week he finally did.

    The eldest brother became the narcissist whilst the youngest turned into the peoplepleaser. He fell victim to his brother's abuse on numerous occasions and even joint him in in some criminal escapades which frightened the bejeezus out of him. He could not stand up against his brother. And he was always there to lend a helping hand. My ex referred to that in his farewell speech. All the while sobbing and scanning his audience and me in particular
    for attention. Though I honestly believe that much of his pain was sincere, mind you.

    But since then he has called me several times, taking me apart in the funeral parlour to talk shit about everybody else present, including his own son from a previous marriage, but not taking any responsibility for his own actions, some of which were huge bricks in his brother's wall.

    Anyway, in his phonecalls he never asks how I'm doing, or how our children are coping, who are of course deeply hurt and confused by the loss of their uncle. Who by the way wasn't ever allowed to like me due to the smearcampaign of my ex-husband against me.

    Things are so perfectly clear to me now, every phonecall is about him and him only. In every phonecall he tells mean lies about other people close to him and he is always the hero. And why for God's sake is he calling me anyway, since he's found himself a new wife to bother about him.
    The good brother finally succumbed,- infanticide with a vengeance, and the black sheep can only survive parasite style. Always finding a succesful, strong woman to cling to for dear life and sucking her dry, screwing with her mind. This man drove me to the verge of insanity. It was but for my children that I stayed sane. Keeping at least some of my wits about me.

    The phonecalls make me sick to my stomach and very afraid, but it is not in my nature to cut people short. Or to tell them that I no longer care. For my and his children's sake I want also to be able to share a room or a party with him and be polite with him and his wife. So they can invite him to special events where they want both of their (step-) parents present.

    I think the only possible way to deal with this is to use Ross Rosenberg's 'observe, do not absorb'- technique, but that is so darn hard!
    And of course this is a majour trigger to flashbacks of my stepfather whom I had to please ad nauseam because I was so afraid of him. And it makes me sick with hatred for my own cowardice at the time.

    At the same time I'm curious as to how I'm going to deal with this knowing what I know now, thanks to people like Richard, Rosenburg en Lisa Romano. ( It was never your fault dear one...) I love you

    By the way, my 21 year old daughter sees things perfectly clear: she tried to call him twice to tell him how she felt about his brother, but he would'nt even talk to her. She said: "he was watching you all the time at the funeral mom!" But she is not insensitive to the pain he causes her through his neglect.

    This is my story, my apologies for any mistakes since English is not my first language... thank you for reading.
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    gigiminer

    Posts : 63
    Join date : 2014-08-17
    Age : 55
    Location : Upstate NY

    Re: Too friendly to go n.c. or grey stone...

    Post by gigiminer on Sun Feb 14, 2016 7:43 am

    Mar,

    No, it's not very active here. I hear you. I know what it's like not to want to become something you're not because of the abuser. But you know what? Perhaps you can see it as you get to be who you are with everyone else...but you need to protect yourself and your children. Putting up a wall to the one person who harms you is not being "not nice" - it's more survival.

    You wouldn't open the door to a rapist or a thief. These abusers steal our souls and rape our emotions and spirits. That sounds extreme, but there's information out there that equates it to these terms if you need to read it.

    I just wanted to acknowledge you and your struggle. I'll PM you in a moment with other info.

    Mar

    Posts : 11
    Join date : 2015-11-27

    Re: Too friendly to go n.c. or grey stone...

    Post by Mar on Sun Feb 14, 2016 2:46 pm

    Thanks for your reply and p.b.

    Today he did enter my house, delivering some stuff my children chose from their uncle's property. He had to help my son carry it upstairs.
    I managed to observe and not absolve, which was good practice!

    As usual he told stories in which he was either victim or hero and he slandered other people. He told us that he has cancer. At which my son hid his face behind a box, gesturing to me he knew his father was fabulating again.

    How well we became to know him.... jocolor
    Good news is that the phonecalls have stopped!

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