Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    A bit about my abuse. Thoughts & feelings currently.

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    Number4

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2015-04-13

    A bit about my abuse. Thoughts & feelings currently.

    Post by Number4 on Mon Apr 13, 2015 1:32 pm

    I grew up in a large family, in the country. Both parents had previous marriages, my mother having one child separately and then the five with my father. I'm the fourth out of six.. five girls and one boy.
    My father was the narcissist.. my mother co-dependent. She was completely fooled by my father, as he made her feel he was smarter and more significant.. gained control over her financially. He worked at an engineering company and was gone most of the day except for weekends.
    Mom liked to play good cop so she handed us off to dad for discipline.. He dished out verbal, mental, and physical abuse. The rage was there, provoked by miniscule things like having a window open or leaving the garage door up.. getting anything below an A- in school while refusing to help with homework. If he ever did help with schoolwork it would always end in broken things and tears.. I remember he was so angry at my "stupidity" he ripped up a paper and I sat for a long time afterward taping it back together so I could turn it in.
    I was a brilliant child and learned to never ask for help because of the way he would act. He would call me names, then other times would say I was the smartest of all of his kids.. and that one day I'd take care of him when he's old.

    Mom got into a terrible car accident when I was 5. She survived, but was in the hospital for 6 months, and bed ridden months afterward. She had to learn to walk again, as she had 16 pins and screws holding her hip and leg together. All in all it took close to two years for her to return to normal, not dependent on the aid of a wheelchair or walker.

    While she was away she couldn't take care of us. My father pawned us off to his equally narcissistic family, my aunt, uncles, and grandma. There was sexual abuse happening at that point, and we were called liars and beaten if we spoke of it. I have blocked out much of those memories completely, to the point where I only remember visiting my mother once and being made to eat potato soup until I threw up once. I've tried to recall more, but it's like the memories are hidden away in a vault with no door. I only know we were sexually abused because one of my sister had memories resurface at age 17, and because I have somehow always known what sex is without ever being told.
    As I got older I had a lot of "safe" gay male friends because I had trust issues with men. My father didn't realize they were gay and told me I looked like a whore being seen with boys. If I had any girl-friends he wouldn't approve because they were "whores" also.
    He would tell me I could go out sometimes, only to change his mind by the time I was finished putting clothes on. He would call the police if I didn't go back to get undressed fast enough. Once, a police officer followed me upstairs and waited for me to come out of my room in night clothes before he would leave. Why any parent would allow that I'll never know.

    Living with him was always very much like a prison. I would become very ill about the time he would come home from work. I was just overcome by dread and fear, every day of my life.

    In 2008 my mother was diagnosed with cancer.. she was treated poorly by my father and my siblings. At that time they were involved with a church and my brother would tell her God would take away her cancer if she stopped smoking cigarettes. Or that she would go to hell if she didn't stop smoking before she died. Behind her back they would literally say they couldn't wait for all of it to be over.. wished she would just die. They would be disgusted by her colostomy bag and ridicule me for helping her change the "disgusting" thing. I found it very hard to listen to it all. I found it hard to watch her die and be treated like that. I abused drugs at that time and I feel very guilty for not being there more. I just couldn't take it. She died two years after the diagnosis.

    I wanted to die and began drinking heavily to the point of dependence. I was able to put myself through treatment and eventually stopped all together about a year ago.

    When I was 18 one of my friends told me he thought my father was a sociopath or similar.. I never fully accepted that until after my mother died.

    I began to set boundaries for my father and he repeatedly crossed them. I told him not to barge into my house uninvited when he had a key to my house. He wouldn't listen. So I changed the locks. He would pound on the door at 6:00am, and move from window to window, screaming my name in front of my neighborhood before the sun had even come up. I refused to let him in when he would do that. I would threaten to call the police. He never had anything important to say, he just wanted to come over when he felt like it. I still have flashbacks of the pounding and sometimes hallucinate the sounds of the doorbell.

    Around February of 2014 I went no contact after he conned one of my younger sisters into filing a false protective order against me. The order was dropped after she failed to show up in court. She was the only person in the family who I would talk to daily, and he wanted to separate us.

    My no-contact order for him and the rest of the family was simply verbal, and he complied until November of 2014. He had my brother call me and attempt to invite me to Thanksgiving dinner. I refused and never answered the calls or texts. The attempts subsided until Christmas time, where he and my brother were both calling. Then the day of Christmas my dad convinced his new girlfriend to leave me a voicemail. The message was very weird and she spoke as if she knew me. I was very dumb and stupid and agreed to meet with them after Christmas.

    I looked up his girlfriend by her name and it turns out she is currently being charged with falsifying documents and attempting to fraudulently sell a home worth $1.7+ million that belonged to her last boyfriend. I assume she is a narcissist as well, by the looks of it. "Birds of a feather" as they say.

    Since then I haven't spoken to them and have ordered no contact again after bringing up the fraud issue about his girlfriend. He was really mad that I found that out. He said he "didn't believe any of the allegations."

    I suppose I am just looking for an answer somewhere. I don't know how to continue with my life. I can't enjoy things because every little thing I used to love now has such heavy negative associations attached. It's like when you break up with someone and you try to avoid the places you've shared moments, and the music you listened to together.. Only it's my father and I'm trying to avoid nearly 26 years of memories and associations.. Trying to avoid my whole life and form a new one, free of anything that reminds me of him. It's really not practical to avoid money and food just because the memories make me nauseous.

    I can't speak with people about it because they either don't care or would never believe my father would be capable of doing what he did. I don't like to complain. Complaining has been drilled out of me. The few therapists and psychologists I've worked with have never once made the connection between my father and the personality disorder. It's an area, I've realized, where there isn't much insight into treating the victims of such abuse instead of the very general "umbrella" treatments.

    I'm afraid to reach out because of my complexes and anxieties.. afraid the answer will be "There's no help for you." Because that would somehow mean my abuse, and the abuse of others, is not important enough for there to be help.










    Otter

    Posts : 8
    Join date : 2015-08-18

    Re: A bit about my abuse. Thoughts & feelings currently.

    Post by Otter on Tue Aug 25, 2015 7:28 pm

    Number 4,

    Wow, what a journey. I take it you are in your twenties, no children. I am wondering what is preventing you from moving far away from your family. Even if you can't move right now or if some job or something ties you down you can learn and research about moving somewhere else.

    I am so sorry to hear that you have had bad therapy experiences, though not surprised. It happens to often. It sounds like you are starting to learn to set boundaries pretty successfully so I would suggest one - do NOT talk to anyone about the abuse who does not get it. That includes especially therapists! One chance, that's all they get because that is all you can afford. Because in your raw state you need to have people who you can talk to but they absolutely must be people who will not further abuse or traumatize you. I have had the experience of talking to friends, really good friends about abuse from my husband and they have minimized and dismissed, and guess what, this subject is now off the table with them. I won't go there again. I haven't burned the bridge because they are good friends to interact with in other ways but I am certainly not going to discuss that with them ever again.

    And find books to read. I am a huge advocate of reading. You need to reach some sort of understanding of your parents - not so that you might offer them any sort of sympathy or forgiveness - that would be entirely up to you for you when you feel it, never before. But you have to understand them so that you can get YOU out of it and realize their abuse was not an indictment of you as a person, as much as it felt like it, as much as you may think it. A year ago I finally got a name to place on what was happening in my marriage - it is called verbal abuse. That was step one, but it wasn't until many, many steps later that I was able to detach ME from the abuse, understand that he was going to do that to anyone he was married to, that I am not special in that regard, that there is no particular edict of the universe that has bad luck and bad relationships aimed at me particularly. You can't get to that kind of detachment in one huge leap. You have to learn your way there. But that is where you are headed. You have to detach from your parents and family and the story of your upbringing so that you can attach to your self, to the soul of you or whatever you would call it. It is a process.

    I hope that you can find some solace in boards - there are many out there where you can find people with common experience. You have to seek them out and don't stand for being re-abused by anyone. Get on the road, get on the journey. Good on you going no contact, now change your phone, change your name, change your city, whatever it takes to get the space you need to get back to yourself.

    Best to you.
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    jazzycat

    Posts : 14
    Join date : 2015-05-09
    Location : United States

    Re: A bit about my abuse. Thoughts & feelings currently.

    Post by jazzycat on Tue Sep 22, 2015 4:20 am

    Number4,

    Holy cow!  I don't even know what to say, except that, it has nothing to do with you.  There is nothing wrong with you.  Those people are screwed up.  I can't even imagine how that would feel, growing up like that.  I know how bad my last relationship messed up my head, but I was in my 40s when I got into it, and I stayed in it even when I knew I should leave, so I made a choice to be there.  But to do that to a child is beyond evil.

    I would just offer what Otter said, about trying to move to another city/state somewhere, maybe even another country, if that's at all possible.  Immersing yourself in a completely different culture might be a way to re-experience life with new eyes, and create new pathways in your brain that would allow you to heal from all that trauma.  You know, there would still be food and money, but the money looks different, and the food tastes different.  And other cultures have many things that would be completely different for you.  It's just a thought.  My heart goes out to you.

    Good luck on your journey.  <3

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