The pause of those times when we are forcibly gathered with toxic family combinations those who have unknowingly or knowingly harmed us in our lives seem to present themselves with a lack of memory of their abuse, most of all on Christmas.
I had a nightmare this past week, a rare occurrence where I am speaking to my auntie, me quite unwillingly and yet it was the same critique of me. Seeing that she was the "golden child" of her mother, while my mother, first born, the "black sheep" roll in that dynamic of a very demanding psychopathic mother.
My auntie has often in real life said, the problem with me is some kind of "sibling rivalry with my brother" while I was always concerned about the unfairness, I sort of side stepped that, but she herself loves to play with the dynamic.. professing his "normalcy" compared to whatever it is that is somewhat abnormal about me..although I myself have never been involved in a crime (where I could have been, it was graphiti and illegal postering, considered dangerous crimes against the eyes & corporate advertising space) my brother currently lives in prison.
In my nightmare, she's talking to me with huge blankets of personal critique about my goals, my appearance, to where maybe, she, who in my dream suddenly looked as if a black hole was distorting her face..(I've never had a dream where someone looked so distorted.. kind of inspiring for painting) and looking at her, I said, "after 40 we all get the face we deserve" to where she scoffed at me.. and even my little boy laughed.
She said in the dream, "You should talk" but I stood my ground and said, "considering that you started off the most beautiful child.. looking at you, now, I've only improved.."
It was this heavy weight of negative emotion surrounding her.. I guess I brought up these feelings only recently because I created a video to excavate my past as a cartoon...this was in July. I don't think I said anything shocking, but I am anonymous so its not like she even knows a thing about it. Still just creating it brought up much pain for me, especially when that bothered other people, maybe it lost my friendship with someone, I do not know. Maybe a friend who could be lost, is not much of a friend anyway.
I'm feeling intimidated by flickers of focus on my goals, because I am fearful of being attached to outcomes. This nightmare is just possibly me addressing this and trying to focus on me standing my ground against the negative voices I have encountered in my head due to my upbringing and early childhood environment.