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    The pathology of the human condition..

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    A2Z

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2013-12-11
    Location : north of nowhere

    The pathology of the human condition..

    Post by A2Z on Wed Dec 11, 2013 9:24 am

    In introspection, with respect, my belief since we tend to have a calender written in our bodies, which we do not often recall awareness for, for those that Christmas season has been a trigger, my empathy.

    The pause of those times when we are forcibly gathered with toxic family combinations those who have unknowingly or knowingly harmed us in our lives seem to present themselves with a lack of memory of their abuse, most of all on Christmas.

    I had a nightmare this past week, a rare occurrence where I am speaking to my auntie, me quite unwillingly and yet it was the same critique of me. Seeing that she was the "golden child" of her mother, while my mother, first born, the "black sheep" roll in that dynamic of a very demanding psychopathic mother.

    My auntie has often in real life said, the problem with me is some kind of "sibling rivalry with my brother" while I was always concerned about the unfairness, I sort of side stepped that, but she herself loves to play with the dynamic.. professing his "normalcy" compared to whatever it is that is somewhat abnormal about me..although I myself have never been involved in a crime (where I could have been, it was graphiti and illegal postering, considered dangerous crimes against the eyes & corporate advertising space) my brother currently lives in prison.

    In my nightmare, she's talking to me with huge blankets of personal critique about my goals, my appearance, to where maybe, she, who in my dream suddenly looked as if a black hole was distorting her face..(I've never had a dream where someone looked so distorted.. kind of inspiring for painting) and looking at her, I said, "after 40 we all get the face we deserve" to where she scoffed at me.. and even my little boy laughed.

    She said in the dream, "You should talk" but I stood my ground and said, "considering that you started off the most beautiful child.. looking at you, now, I've only improved.."

    It was this heavy weight of negative emotion surrounding her.. I guess I brought up these feelings only recently because I created a video to excavate my past as a cartoon...this was in July. I don't think I said anything shocking, but I am anonymous so its not like she even knows a thing about it. Still just creating it brought up much pain for me, especially when that bothered other people, maybe it lost my friendship with someone, I do not know. Maybe a friend who could be lost, is not much of a friend anyway.

    I'm feeling intimidated by flickers of focus on my goals, because I am fearful of being attached to outcomes. This nightmare is just possibly me addressing this and trying to focus on me standing my ground against the negative voices I have encountered in my head due to my upbringing and early childhood environment.

    Me me me me me

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    Join date : 2013-12-15

    Re: The pathology of the human condition..

    Post by Me me me me me on Sun Dec 15, 2013 1:36 am

    Yuck.. Sad your aunt sounds terrifying.
    Dark dreams like that come from serious mind churning. Stay away.
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    A2Z

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2013-12-11
    Location : north of nowhere

    Re: The pathology of the human condition..

    Post by A2Z on Sun Dec 15, 2013 1:28 pm

    Me me me me me wrote:Yuck.. :(your aunt sounds terrifying.
    Dark dreams like that come from serious mind churning. Stay away.

    Don't worry, I think I will. What else is there?

    Generally my dreams are rather fun distractions, thought processes but still.. my mind obviously knows what's good for me and when I can "take it" (I hope)
    Damned-black-hole-for-a-face-mutant, only through the filter of my mind, maybe other people would find her a delightful and even empathetic person? Maybe most people would find me, cool and aloof with a venomous sarcasm.

    I had a reoccurring theme last night about a boat, and a lot of walking, through walls & countries and a trip to Iceland.  sunny Much happier about that.

    Me me me me me

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    Join date : 2013-12-15

    Re: The pathology of the human condition..

    Post by Me me me me me on Sun Dec 15, 2013 2:29 pm

    Yah... much better dream... Can narcissits seem empathic? I'm cool and aloof as well, till i feel safe in a situation. I use to have the horrible sarcasm... but i dropped it... as best i could.
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    A2Z

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2013-12-11
    Location : north of nowhere

    Re: The pathology of the human condition..

    Post by A2Z on Tue Dec 17, 2013 2:41 pm

    Me me me me me wrote:... Can narcissits seem empathic?
    This is how they prey upon people.. because they can put on the mask of "I'm so interested in you and everything you are" so well you don't notice its a mask until its too late and you discover you are just an object to them.

    Me me me me me

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    Join date : 2013-12-15

    Re: The pathology of the human condition..

    Post by Me me me me me on Wed Dec 18, 2013 1:27 am

    Well, i certainly fell for these false feelings. It's pretty twisted.. but there is much more to it i think. There is a codependent need (at least for me) to get gratification by pleasing, and perhaps, there is the comfort of abuse... because golly gee isn't abuse the same as love.
    So twisted. Until internal programming changes, i don't think the ability to have a good relationship is real.
    oh boy... i love christmas.

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