Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    My experience with BPD/CPTSD

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    gbgbgb

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-11-28

    My experience with BPD/CPTSD

    Post by gbgbgb on Mon Nov 28, 2016 12:44 am

    Richard, first I want to say thanks for what you're doing.  I've gotten a lot out of your videos.  I've especially appreciated your thoughts on Borderline Personality Disorder.  I think you hit it on the head when you mention it being related to (maybe even the same as) CPTSD.

    I don't necessarily have a question.  I just want to share some things about my experience, as someone who most likely has BPD/CPTSD.  Hopefully it can help other people, and maybe give you a little more information to consider.  

    There's one thing in specific in regard to my experience with BPD I haven't heard mentioned yet.  I'm planning on mentioning it below.  I'm also going to mention something that's really easy to do, that really helps me when I'm feeling overwhelmed by an emotion.  

    I come from a very dysfunctional family.  I'm 39 (male) and have two sisters, one 2 years younger, and one 9 years younger (we're all full siblings).  My Mom had a very traumatic childhood that included emotional, sexual, and physical abuse.  She recently told me she that has reason to believe that her Mom tried to abort her during pregnancy.  

    My Dad seems to have had a relatively peaceful childhood, though he's somewhat OCD and prone to anxiety.  He's had an incredible patience and tolerance for the kinds of behavior he's had to put up with from my Mom, me, and my two sisters.  I think we're all BPD.

    I can say with 100% certainty that I wasn't physically or sexually abused, but my childhood was very tumultuous because of the way my Mom and Dad fought all the time.  My Mom has always had serious rage issues.  She always used to drive off at night, threatening to either kill herself or never come back again.  One time I watched her grab a bottle of pills and run down the hall, threatening to kill herself.  And a few times she threatened to use my Dad's pistol to shoot the family pets.

    She had two affairs (that I know of) and when I was 15 told my Dad she wanted to divorce him to be with the man she was having an affair with, though they wound up staying together.

    I could go on with the stories, but you probably get the idea.  I will tell you that while growing up, it was always just a question of "when" my Mom would fly off the handle next.  I got really good at predicting her blowups, and can very well to this day.  

    I've had people tell me that I exhibit signs of PTSD, but I never gave much consideration to the possibility because I was never physically or sexually abused.  I actually considered the kind of fighting my Mom and Dad did to be kind of trivial, maybe even normal.

    But then I learned about CPTSD, and something occurred to me.  To this day, the kind of signs and behavior leading up to my Mom's blowups still have a very stressful effect on me, just like when I was a kid.  Though, it doesn't actually threaten me in the way it did then.  And it made me realize that there's something still occurring inside of me as a result of the anxiety I always felt as a kid.  I shouldn't fear my parents' fighting now, the way I did as a kid.  

    I've always had great difficulties in relationships.  I've never been married, and I've never had kids (largely because I've been afraid they'd wind up as messed up as I am).  I'm a total loner, and haven't dated anyone in 4 years now, mostly because I feel like a loser (my life is a mess), and because it would take an incredibly strong woman to be able to put up with me.

    I have a long history of leaving jobs and abandoning business ventures.  4 years ago I had a decent online business going, and I suddenly felt compelled to start writing and recording music.  I did this obsessively for about 3 years.  Last fall I was forced to sell my last money-making website.  I ran out of money a few months ago.

    Now, at the age of 39, I'm living at my parents' house, with no job, and nothing to show for my life.  I've tried to design some new websites, but I can't seem to see one all the way through.  I have very few friends, spend most of my time alone, and am subjected to the same fighting that made me so miserable as a kid.  It makes me every bit as miserable now.

    I just haven't been able to pick myself up.  Any thought of getting back to designing websites, or moving forward in life conjures a debilitating fear in me.  I'm so embarrassed about my failure that I don't even like going into public anymore.

    Though, I'm feeling more positive now because I have a better understanding of what's happening to me.  The more I learn the more hopeful I become, and I'm doing things that are starting to help me.

    I know this is getting long-winded.  But again, I'm not expecting a response to this.  I'm mostly doing this for the benefit of other people, who may be in similar positions.  Because one of the things I've learned about BPD/CPSTD is that people who suffer from it often feel like failures, and losers, and this only adds to the condition.

    If you're someone who's suffering from BPD, and you feel embarrassed, or like a loser because of less than desirable life circumstances, you need to understand that it's not your fault.  It's true (and sad) that many other people won't understand this, so you need to keep reminding yourself.

    And, although you'll hear some psychologists say that there's no cure for BPD--that the best you can do is manage it--I don't think that's true.  I think a person with BPD will always have a tendency to blow up, or experience extreme emotions.  But I think many times a BPD sufferer's life circumstances greatly add to their suffering.  Meaning, once you start to manage your BPD, and get your life under control, things will get better.  And the better your life is, the less likely you are to experience extreme emotions.

    BPD has really been very cyclic in my case.  The disorder leads to messy life circumstances and messy life circumstances exasperate the disorder, and so on and so forth.

    Anyway, I think I'm going to wrap it up now with one final thought.  Yesterday I went to a coffee shop and tried to brainstorm new website ideas, and I got to feeling so depressed that I had to leave.  Something occurred to me on the drive back.

    I'm horribly lonely, and a big part of me wishes I could have friends.  For the record, I have a handful of friends, but most of them live in other places and are busy with families and what not.  I'm so terrified of rejection that I don't let new people in my life, so I don't make new friends.

    Though, my fear of rejection is legitimate, because often I do get rejected by other people (for example, they invite me to their house once, but never again).  And that's because I don't know how to conduct myself around other people.  To most people this comes naturally, like walking.  But I really don't know how to behave around other people.

    I also don't understand a lot of things about the way people interact, and what can reasonably be expected in given circumstances.  For example, I get butt-hurt because I post a new song on facebook, and no one listens to it or says anything about it.  But then, I never say anything about their posts (this is something that had to be pointed out to me by a friend).

    There are many things about basic human interaction that don't make sense to me, that never have.  I had a difficult time making friends when I was younger for this reason.  Again, I've experienced a lot of rejection in my life.  And the more rejection I experience, the more likely I am to withdraw and/or be rejected the next time.

    One more time, I believe BPD has a tendency to be very cyclic, and the longer it goes, the harder it is to get out of.  Though, hitting bottom, like I have now, can be seen as a good thing, because it can serve as a motivator.

    Conclusion (and what I referenced above, as something I haven't heard mentioned in regard to BPD): my inability to properly interact with other people has been an enormous cause of my suffering, and quite possibly a necessary factor in the development of my condition.  Meaning, if this factor had been mitigated when I was younger, I might not have developed full-blown BPD.  There were multiple causes for my BPD.  One was the childhood trauma, but another was my lack of positive social interaction, which is essential for healthy self-esteem.

    Richard, if you have a spot, I'd be curious to hear your thoughts on this.  Would you say that BPD sufferers typically lack an understanding of how to behave properly around other people?  If the answer is "yes", do you believe this could be a contributing factor in the condition?

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