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    Sexually Abused as a child and now addicted to a Narcissist - PLEASE HELP

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    abusedAndAlone

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-10-16

    Sexually Abused as a child and now addicted to a Narcissist - PLEASE HELP

    Post by abusedAndAlone on Sun Oct 16, 2016 5:12 am

    I am a 40 year old male living in Texas, U.S.A. I recently had an encounter with what I believe to be a woman with a cluster b Personality Disorder. I have no background in psychology so it's hard for me to say definitively my ex has a disorder, but I have dated plenty of women and this last one was very, very different. I am a trained scientist with masters degrees in mathematics and computer science and I build missile and rocket systems for the Department of Defense. I mention this because I am aware of logical fallacies such as "counting the hits and forgetting the misses", and though it's impossible for me to be totally objective I tried the best I could using my scientific training. I spent a year researching the cluster b disorders as much as I could and she fits narcissism very well according to the DSM. This relationship made me realize that I am a co-dependent and a people pleaser. I let someone treat me so poorly and kept trying to make her happy at all costs. Even though she was making me feel terrible about myself. I kept every text from her for the purpose of analysis. I'm trying to get to the root of why I let this happen to me. Because I did. I let it happen. I could have stopped it. She lied to me on numerous occasions, put me down, and then played the victim. she performed the classic idealize, devalue, discard tactic. I learned later, from mutual friends, she had exhibited the same behavior in her past relationships, including with her previous two husbands. I am trying to recover and to do so I want to get to the root of why I let this happen. I cannot stop thinking about this last girlfriend and I want to know why. I would like your opinion if what happened to me as a child Is a possible reason I am a co-dependent.
    I was sexually abused by my mother at a very young age. It is very hard for me to say this. I've never told anyone in person. I have physical proof of this abuse on my penis. My sick mother used some kind of sharp device to pierce me and I have very visible scars, that girlfriends have asked me about. Growing up, she would remind me at various times how the doctor "messed up" during circumcision, this is what I would tell girlfriends even though a few of them thought it was weird. For example, my mom and I would be looking through baby pictures and she would find a way to say something like "oh look, you were home for just a few days, you were so miserable because the doctor cut you down there". I tried to believe this growing up, but I remember her scarring me on multiple occasions. Usually after getting a bath. I was old enough to remember. At least I feel like I remember, but being told over and over again when I was growing up that the doctor did this to me, I sometimes still have some doubts. But as I said, I have the prominent scars. These scars don't look like a doctor messed up during circumcision. I don't talk to my mother at all. She's in NY. She is very religious and so is all my family. I am an agnostic atheist and of course they believe that is the reason why I don't talk to her. The devil has gotten to me. My mother plays the victim, she tells them she doesn't know what's wrong with me and why I won't talk to her. And that I need god. My entire family pressures me to talk to her. I have received text messages from friends of my mother saying I cause her such grief and misery and I am a son of a bitch. I have an enormous feeling of shame and guilt. I want to scream "she sexually abused me and you want me to talk to her?!?" I feel I need to address this but I don't know how. I've never confronted her. I have thought about it but I know she will deny it and make me look crazy. I can't take pictures of my penis and show everyone obviously, so how do I convince anyone? I miss my family,, my dad passed away in 2004, I miss him dearly and I miss my brother and sister (I never said anything to anyone), and my nieces, my cousins and aunts and uncles. They are all in NY. I stay here in Texas, alone for the holidays. I have no one here, and I do feel lonely. I transferred to Texas for work. I didn't have to but I wanted a fresh opportunity. After this past girlfriend I pretty much come home after work, read, and on nice nights I take my telescope out in the middle of nowhere to look at galaxies and nebula. But I don't really talk to anyone. I stay away from people except at work. I wonder if this last relationship was actually what I really needed to deal with this abuse from my mother that I've never talked about to anyone. Any advice would be helpful.

    bludaisi

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-10-22
    Age : 45
    Location : Oregon

    Re: Sexually Abused as a child and now addicted to a Narcissist - PLEASE HELP

    Post by bludaisi on Sat Oct 22, 2016 10:01 pm

    I am so moved by your story. Have you thought about finding a good councilor for the trauma your mother put you through? Richard has talked about in one of his videos that it is hard to find someone properly trained in CPTSD. I was lucky enough to find one. And they are out there. I think it is so important for you to talk about it. Given your experience, it's understandable why you would try to keep a woman happy at all costs.

    I think it is very insightful of you to see that maybe your last relationship helped you to face your mother's abuse. I really believe that the body and mind naturally heals itself and this seems to be a part of it. This happened to me with my ex husband. I had so many eye opening moments in the years I was married to him. Why we both continued to remain in such a damaging and unhealthy relationship. We had such severe co-dependency on both sides.

    It's also tough when dealing with spiritual abuse.. I had my bout of religiosity and it evolved into an agnostic outlook on everything. Spiritual abuse blames and doesn't know how to take responsibility. Anyone can hide behind it and it is soul crushing to the victim. I could go on and on about this topic.

    I wish I could write more. Have you ever thought about meditation? I am just discovering this. I found a cool meditation app called insight timer. There are wonderful guided meditations that help with CPTSD.

    abusedAndAlone

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2016-10-16

    Re: Sexually Abused as a child and now addicted to a Narcissist - PLEASE HELP

    Post by abusedAndAlone on Thu Nov 03, 2016 5:01 pm

    I have tried meditation and it did nothing for me. I have also tried therapy and talking to a councilor. It didn't help. The questions were very obvious. How do I feel? That sort of thing. To which I can reply angry, betrayed, alone, unloved (but not unlovable), and abused. I have worked through some of the feelings. For instance when I found out my mother was ill, from my sister, all I thought was, well that sucks for her, I'm not going to see her. Perhaps she didn't pray hard enough? If she dies, so be it. I won't attend the funeral. The social norm of "she's your mother" I don't think applies. I see it as, the person I was supposed to trust most abused me when I was most vulnerable, even more reason to cut off ties. I don't forgive her. She lied and manipulated most of my family. I don't wish her ill, but I feel nothing for her. She will never hear from me again. It's been 7 years so far and I've made no contact with her. I do believe this has left a sense of inadequacy in me. This last relationship was my only one with what seems to be a narcissist, and I can't seem to shake her out of my mind. I have tried dating others but I miss her. I am starting to think I may be an inverted narcissist, since I seem to want that type of relationship.

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