Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    Trying to stay motivated // getting emotions back

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    luxgurl

    Posts : 49
    Join date : 2016-05-12

    Trying to stay motivated // getting emotions back

    Post by luxgurl on Mon Oct 10, 2016 5:52 am

    I've been going through a lot of different things lately, I got out of the bad/toxic/abusive relationship at the end of May, I remember feeling elated right away and also angry, kind of cycling through a lot of different emotions, but have managed to get out of it.. The relationship I had before that was also toxic..

    It's been hard obviously, the past few years have really echoed things that happened in my childhood that have really had an impact on me emotionally.. I'm in therapy right now and what my therapist is saying is that I seem really flat emotionally, like un-expressive and talking about things that happened very "matter of factly" without showing much emotion.. I've kind of noticed this too, like a numbing out in general.. maybe on the dissociative side, only all the time.
    I've noticed myself cycling through some ups and downs, like I'll be okay for a while, then I'll get into a depression where I don't feel like doing anything and getting really down on myself.. kind of in a depression cycle right now. I think part of it is due to a new crush that I have on someone who I'm working with on projects, that I talked about in my last thread in the "narc abuse" section.. won't go through all of it again..

    So basically I like someone and it's hurting me, because I know it's too soon to consider a relationship but I still have to talk to him on a semi regular basis, while at the same time trying to heal myself. Logically I know it's time to stop focusing on him because it's not the right timing, it's very difficult and I'm kind of mourning a relationship I never had, have been also trying to see any red flags in him for narcissism or any kind of problematic behavior and haven't found any yet, but only time will tell.. So far he seems like a great person with a lot of great qualities that I admire, almost to the point of feeling like he's "too good for me" to be around and I'm going to need to warn him about me, being scared that somehow I will ruin this guy as well... I also run the risk of oversharing with him, like once the flood gates open I'll spill my guts.. just cause he's the first nice person that has come along in a while.. IDK, it's tough.. there's a balance I guess.

    Logically I know it's because of the cptsd and how I was constantly told that I wasn't good enough by a number of people.. I've decided that I need to try and keep a balanced distance from him, to not get too close or start a real relationship of any kind, even a real friendship because then I will have to tell him things about myself.. for some reason I feel like if I do it will make him not like me, even in a creative partnership, and I'll lose out on being around this person.. So when we talk I listen to him as he opens up to me and kind of act as a more observer when I'm around him, it's difficult to open up in any way..

    After seeing Richard's Instagram post that the most important relationship we should be fostering is with ourselves, I definitely see how I become self abandoning when I like someone, and all the focus gets directed on them.. this is leading me to have bad relationships, or at least part of it..I have a feeling this doesn't really mean to cut everyone out of our lives, but I need a balance and to really be responsible for my own happiness. So.. it's hard..I feel like I'm starting over a bit after going through this mini heartbreak of finding someone I have a connection with, then also having to let them go.. How I'm doing this is re-evaluating the schedule I set for myself, deciding when I'm going to work out, how I'm going to eat enough and healthy-ish, when I'll work on my projects, clean my apartment, etc... Doing a lot of goal setting as well, for my interests and what I want to accomplish in my own life, but also giving myself permission to just chill out and relax when I need to.. I might try to go back to dance class, I just have to work up the courage.. Sometimes it's just really hard to stick to it when I set this stuff up and then when the time comes all I want to do is nothing.. usually when I'm depressed.. such as after letting go of a crush I don't really want to let go of.

    But I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and it'll just take some time, trying to be self compassionate and go easy on myself, going to put up some self motivation on my wall like collages I did with my schedule and some affirmations that I want to remember..Clearly one day being able to have a healthy loving relationship is very important to me, but I have to become someone who is capable of doing that in the first place.

    luxgurl

    Posts : 49
    Join date : 2016-05-12

    Re: Trying to stay motivated // getting emotions back

    Post by luxgurl on Sat Oct 15, 2016 4:34 pm

    I've been really struggling.. even with the therapy and the self help and everything.. it's just really hard. I'm in a bad place emotionally, it's not the worst place I've ever been, but I think just the weight of it all is really hitting me. Realizing after having contact with one compassionate nice person just how fucked everything was.. I have no base line for normalcy, I have no concept of what it means to care for myself, it's been really difficult. Feeling selfish and guilty and yeah it's really toxic.
    Realizing no one really knows me, I don't even know me. All I really know is pain, emotional turmoil, desperately reaching out to others when I should be able to take care of myself. No one ever showed me how, now I'm supposed to "re-parent" myself but I have no concept of how to do that or what parents were even supposed to do for me, I guess they were supposed to love me and tell me I was worth something, it's just really really hard.. I've just been crying a lot and trying to make sense of everything, but there is no sense.. no reasoning, nothing I can do to make it make sense. My birth parents weren't there for me, my caregivers weren't there for me, the repeated bad relationships where they were supposed to love me and didn't either, it's very very possible I have NO idea what love even means or what a true positive connection is like. It's just so fucked. How many times will I hit rock bottom of my emotional state before that's just it and that's all I can take, I've felt like I've already hit it so many times and it just never fails to get bad again or worse than before. I wonder if this is all I'm meant for, how do I find meaning in a life that feels meaningless and unwanted, discarded. The good things I try to do for myself don't feel like enough, I got out of the relationship and got physically away, now I'm still just suffering, there is no "going back to before" I wasn't even happy before, I have never been happy for an extended period of time, there as at no point in my life that I can remember where I felt stable and just calm and content with how things were going.. no acceptance..
    So here I've identified the problem, total and complete despair that continues to return because my parents and family and anyone I got close to made my life a living hell and instilled values in me to basically just continually coming back to this place of hating myself. So what do I do.. at least I tried, at least I have a small shred of awareness that my whole mentality is fucked.. I think about ending my life sometimes, but then I think.. okay just after this project, after I get this stuff I want to do done, then I can.. what I'm really looking for is relief. I really want some relief. It just sucks because if the rest of my life is pain like this, what is the point? I worry that I'm really never going to feel better, always just going to feel unwanted and unloved and the only person who can help me is myself, but I just can't? I just can't because I don't know how and maybe it's just not possible. Wow I just feel really fucked up, needed to vent.. thanks.

      Current date/time is Wed Apr 26, 2017 12:53 pm