On my walk home from Chipotle I ran into a woman walking her dog. She had a siberian husky, which is a breed of dog that I think is really cool. I was talking to her for a few minutes. She introduced her dog and we talked about dogs for a bit. Eventually I said "OK nice to meet you; gotta go", and she said the same thing and we both went our separate ways. It sucks because I always feel like my welcome is overstayed even when it may not be. I feel like I'm not a person that people want around regardless of what they seem to think. I think I just have to walk away from any and all situations because I'm not really wanted. Thoughts run through my head all the time like "you should probably leave this person before you cause trouble". "You're just being a burden". "She/he/they are just being polite".
Even in other situations, like during sex, I feel either unwanted or apathetic. Even if the girl acts like and talks like she had a great time, the voice in my head tells me that I dissapointed her. Very often during intimate situations I go into a flashback anyway and can't fully enjoy it. There was one girl who, on the first time I had sex with her, took notice of my apathetic attitude. Her exact words were "dude, I'm giving myself to you". And I just said "yeah... yeah... I know". Despite that, she ended up really enjoying the sex, having a large slew of convulsing, biting, orgasms. Unfortunately for me I did not have a single one. I felt so emotionally closed off and all I wanted to do was connect with her and be intimate with her and I couldn't even do it. I just ended up frustrated, horny, and sad. Sadly that experience is not something that I am new too.
I don't enjoy having these problems. For one thing they push people away. Secondly if I expect to be unwanted, I will always be vulnerable to narcissistic abuse (the minute I think that somebody has accepted me I may be inclined to take the offer since I may feel it is the best that I can do). That seems to be the basis for codependency. I also am hurt that I blow almost all of my opportunities because I don't think I could satisfy anybody. Not in most jobs or in most relationships. I barely even try to make legible job applications, or if it is resume format I may just turn in something half ass that is based off of a template that I already have from previous jobs. In my mind, why bother trying on a resume when there is a good chance I will go into a flashback during the interview, start... talking... real... slow... like... this..., and get rejected based on my unsavory personality?
I was scrolling through LinkedIn the other day and saw a meme with a copy of a woman's resume. She had been a CEO of a huge company that had sold to Yahoo or Google or something for 5 million dollars. I just started crying. Thinking about what the circumstances must have been like for her to be a strong enough person to even believe that she can do jobs like that, let alone actually following through with it. Thinking about how she was likely brought up in a "good enough" home where she was actually loved. How she probably takes things for granted like the ability to actually sit down and fully complete a resume. Sometimes when I sit down and do a task I may self abandon enough into food or porn or online bullshit that it takes me 5 or 6 times what it should to actually complete it.
Think about how incredibly unfair this is: there are people out there that have never been through any of this stuff. They have led lives where they have always had a sense of boundaries, a sense of their own feelings, and a sense of belonging. They didn't lead childhoods where mom and/or dad were something to be afraid of. When grief hit they were able to process it. They had close friends around who helped with the hard times. They weren't isolated all throughout their adolescence and into college. They don't go through their lives only expecting to hear "you're not welcomed here". They don't have a panic attack every time the phone rings because they think somebody new has died. They are able to cope much better with emotions and more easily able to say no to people. They may have had almost no emotional flashbacks in their lifetimes. And those people are what? Those are the people who are getting the good jobs, living the good lives, with the good relationships. They are not the enemy, but they certainly are lucky. And looking at the situation like that certainly can be fucking discouraging.
I don't know how valid of a thought this is, but I think that those stable, healthy, people (who we actually need around more than any of our CPTSD buddies) will never give us a chance until we heal. Sometimes I wonder if I were to tell anybody about my issues if they would even put forth half an effort to understand at all. I certainly don't use CPTSD as an excuse, but it makes me really sad that people would likely think of me as being baggage if I told them some stuff that was bothering me, which is why I don't. I don't even care if a family member dies, nobody is hearing much more than a sentence or two from me about it in real life. Only on online forums like this do I ever feel like I'm allowed to validly discuss any of my problems, and I still am fairly careful about what I write. People often seem to want me to support them, yet I can never expect them to give me any level of support themselves. It isn't all their fault either. Even on the off chance that emotional support was offered I may not know how to accept it. The vulnerability may make it difficult.
And what are we expected to do? We have to figure out a way to beat CPTSD just so we can truly live life. Because employers and healthy dating options don't care; they are not going to babysit us. That is a sad realization that I have had. What are our options? I don't know what I am going to do. I'm not sure how to get support or love in my life. Most of the time I find myself supporting other people who are more dysfunctional than I am. Suppose we start a CPTSD community. How is it going to help having a bunch of people who are all on the same level of fucked up; talking about how fucked up we are? We need people who have already beaten it or who flat out don't have it (yet understand it), to support us. I'm thinking I may have to go back to therapy. I really don't know what to do. I guess the best I can do is keep working at reducing flashbacks, better boundaries, being vulnerable (maybe with a therapist) and hopefully be more optimistic about recovering. At least there is Richard's channel, Pete Walker, and some other online resources that can help.