Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

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    realizations and accepting the truth

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    luxgurl

    Posts : 49
    Join date : 2016-05-12

    realizations and accepting the truth

    Post by luxgurl on Fri Jul 01, 2016 2:29 am

    Just checking in now (venting)... so feel free to tune out if you want. I've come to some very hard realizations over the past few days. (eating disorder trigger warnings)

    This has definitely affected my life in all aspects. It's been a rude but necessary awakening, realizing also that I'm extremely unhealthy, weight wise.. and would probably qualify for having an eating disorder that has gone unnoticed/untreated because it's been going on since I was a very young child, maybe around 7 or 8 it started.
    I think the women in my family told me not to get fat and that I was greedy for eating..but was also force fed food at the dinner table that I didn't like so it put me off to it. It turned into thinking my food was contaminated, so I never associated it with an eating disorder in like the traditional sense. Anyway, my bmi is 15.1 something right now, when I left my ex it was at 13.9 I figured out, which qualifies automatically as clinical anorexia.. I'm not sure why my doctors never pushed this more but I did tell them I was eating possibly more than I actually had been. They told me I was probably just an "ectomorph"..but... no.. I think I just haven't been eating and lying to literally everyone including myself for the past 20-something years.

    This has been something extremely extremely hard to admit because I'd get strangers coming up to me asking if I had an eating disorder, which automatically put me off because that's a really rude question. So.. now I'm trying something called "recovery"... and weight restoration. I want to do this though and I want to gain weight so, I'm doing it the healthy way, eating balanced full meals, gained about 6lbs this month, my confession is.. I started at 89lbs.. yeah.. I feel SO ashamed about that, and was definitely not trying to actively lose weight I just wasn't eating with my ex, and I think part of me wanted to actually die so I just didn't care. I'm guessing I would've been put in a hospital if I would've gone to the doctor at that point. The way I looked was just so bad though. Today I was 96lbs in the afternoon, but it fluctuates so I hope I can just keep it up.. I'm seeing a psychologist tomorrow afternoon who knows about all of these things, so I'm really hoping he can help me figure this out, like how could I have an eating disorder for my entire life and not know that's what it was, just because I didn't ever see myself as fat, that's what I thought it meant. Apparently not always, but there is a little fear about gaining weight because of what the women in my family have said.. my grandma/mom actually called me "skinny fat" when I weighed around 90 lbs.. I don't think they realize how much they are hurting me, I don't think I even realize how sick I am until possibly just very recently, not only mentally but physically.

    I should be at about 115 or possibly more to be a healthy weight, I'm 5'7", so.. that's what I'm aiming for, it has to be more than just muscle, I need fat too..apparently. This is all news to me. Trying not to focus so much on the numbers or counting calories but more so on just getting the food in there as much as I can right now, it's weird things that distract me from it, like it has to be the "Right time" or something before I take the first bite, like some ritual.. it doesn't make any sense to me. I'm guessing the therapist will suggest I go to a doctor, so I'll probably have to do that too... but I'm also trying to acknowledge that I've done a lot already in just a month, I left my abusive ex, found an apartment, got organized, quit smoking weed completely when I was the "wake and bake" type, cut down on alcohol, no more nicotine, have been showering every day and doing the household chores, and now I'm somehow managing to eat an estimated 2500-3000 healthy calories a day, and have stopped with the workouts for now because it's probably not safe... maybe I'm doing better than I'm giving myself credit for. but..yeah... please don't tell me I'm disgusting, I already know I look disgusting. and complaining about being too skinny to my friends and needing to gain weight is definitely not something that they want to hear, so.. I just had to get this off my chest I guess. Wish me luck.. although I already know it's up to me to fix this stuff. It's just been a huge struggle this week, especially with my dreams and how I've been waking up in the morning and having such disturbed sleep, there's a lot I didn't mention but this is already long, I'm very isolated right now.. Lots of love to you all.

    Edit: Oh Sh*t, I just found out about something called "refeeding syndrome" luckily I've been eating bananas and milk so I think I was okay about this but jesus christ.. might as well add a multivitamin too. Why is the human body so damn complicated?
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    zebrage

    Posts : 17
    Join date : 2016-06-26

    Re: realizations and accepting the truth

    Post by zebrage on Sat Jul 02, 2016 4:42 pm

    Hey Luxgirl. I understand where you're coming from. Food can be such an issue in dysfunctional families, because it's a symbol of the care we get from our parents, but is often loaded with uncaring meanings, so that we get some very unhealthy associations around food very early on.
    Being told not to get fat and that you're greedy for eating, but then being force fed, sounds absolutely horrible, and totally contradictory. The women in your family don't sound like they were very nice to you.
    I also understand how anorexia can be related to feelings of wanting to die, or maybe simply not to exist. I lost a lot of weight in my early twenties, I think I just wanted to get so thin that I would somehow simply not exist. It's horrible, but really understandable. So good luck with the recovery - relentless self-compassion is what we need, so I hope you can find lots of this for yourself..... x

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