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    Phrases you might hear

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    zebrage

    Posts : 18
    Join date : 2016-06-26

    Phrases you might hear

    Post by zebrage on Thu Jun 30, 2016 8:21 pm

    I think it can sometimes be difficult to decide whether what we faced as children was in fact emotional abuse or whether it was normal and we're just sensitive. Sometimes when I read people's posts on here, and they describe something similar to what I experienced, I feel validated by it. So I would like to know what phrases people heard as children that you found to be invalidating. Perhaps at the time it seemed normal but looking back you can see how mean that was, how crushing to your self-esteem, how it made you feel unloved.
    Phrases I used to hear were "What's the matter with you?! Why do you have to be so difficult?"
    "Your sister's not upset!"
    "You know how you can go off people...."
    (When my brother hurt me) "Oh, he didn't mean it."
    "If you eat any more you'll be sick."
    (In a tone of disgust if I had a runny nose) "Where's your hanky?!"

    (I know I'm on the mild end of the spectrum of the negative conditioning that people experienced as children, and some people's stories are so much worse, but I did feel unloved, and I would like to hear other people's stories of feeling unloved....) xxxx

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    wepnode

    Posts : 11
    Join date : 2016-10-11

    Re: Phrases you might hear

    Post by wepnode on Wed Oct 26, 2016 5:39 pm

    "just ignore them",  "don't say no", and "put others first", left me with no instinct for self-protection
    the prime (dual) directive of BE NICE and DON'T LIE caused cognitive dissonance, particularly at christmas
    "don't upset your dad" was something i already knew in the womb, awash with fear hormones
    being sent to one's room to "soul-search" is cruel for a sensitive child with an internal locus of control -- akin to foot-binding
    i was taught to not judge ANYONE (well, except myself), leaving me ill-equipped to live in this world
    finding out the sheer hypocrisy of all i took so literally as an obedient child

    i know my sisters were advised to "be bigger than they are", and so they are, physically

    i imagine my brother was taught to stand up for himself

    sigh


    Last edited by wepnode on Thu Nov 17, 2016 12:34 am; edited 1 time in total (Reason for editing : ocd)
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    KatC

    Posts : 10
    Join date : 2016-10-23

    Re: Phrases you might hear

    Post by KatC on Wed Sep 13, 2017 9:20 pm

    I remember throughout my childhood my parent's and brother's actions sending more messages directly to the corrupted malware in my head than through any specific phrases. "Wait until your Father gets home" generally meant that my mother didn't have enough energy to beat us as thoroughly as we deserved, he'd do it much better. So that was a good one, keep us fearing any sound of a car approaching the driveway. But it was in my marriage that the phrases hit me the most: "Why does it matter?" "Jesus Christ!" "Would you just STOP?" "Oh, so now you're an expert?" any time I made an effort for my voice to be heard. Repeatedly being snarled at eventually silences you and keeps you from being your own advocate, it turns you into a doormat and it also turns you inward. You end up playing mental gymnastics before you open your mouth, careful of how you will word each sentence,.. or deciding if you will not risk speaking at all.
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    zebrage

    Posts : 18
    Join date : 2016-06-26

    Re: Phrases you might hear

    Post by zebrage on Wed Sep 13, 2017 10:08 pm

    I agree KatC, it turns you inward and makes you afraid to speak. Those sound like very snarly phrases, especially "Oh, so now you're an expert?" That's really dismissive and sarcastic.
    I also agree wepnode, you learn to be a poor judge of character when you're not allowed to make up your own mind about how you're being treated.

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