hi, this is my story.. im now 7 months no contact with my ex..he was emotionally and somewhat physically abusive towards me and my young sons in the 3 and a half years we were together. Im aware he was diagnosed with both asperges syndrome and ptsd after serving 3 years in the scotch guards and that his childhood was problematic with bullying in school and his parents relationship was disructive, as a result he was seperated from his mother for a long period of time and had little or no contact with his father. The relationship progressed quickly and he moved in and told me he thought i was the one within a month of us meeting. I fell pregnant with his son 4 months later and it was at that point he told me some things that i didnt see as maybe red flags..he told me he had never had a relationship last for more than 3 years and that if my sons...aged just 3 and 5 at that time...ever hurt his baby when he was born..there would be trouble and he would leave. Although a little confused as to why he would say such a thing, I tried to dispell his fears and assumed he was just being protective of his unborn child. He regularily had road rage and seemed to think other people were either out to get him or envious of him in some way...he was obsesssed with sex, regularily watched porn and even masturbated infront of me. He told me stories of how he had met strangers for sex or joined in with other couples..and even suggested we should try it together one day. I felt massively hurt by this and thought if im his soulmate as he professes me to be, why would he want us to sleep with others? When our son was born...he immedietly insisted that i didnt breastfeed him .i submitted and put our son on bottlefeeds from then on. He would dissapear out for hours on end leaving me at home with the children...got to the point ..i was feeling very depressed and trapped, hardly ever having a break or visiting my friends or family, i became aware this guy was consuming my mind and i would have rushes of adreneline in his absence and presence dependant on what mood he was in. When i tried to explain to him how i felt, he told me this was my life now, as a mother and i should be thankfull i have him around so get use to it. He began to accuse us of things we had not done..i.e me of cheating and my sons of deliberately hurting his baby boy..he would interrogate them and force them into admissions of guilt, then punnish them, when i tried to intervene or defend myself or my children, he would become enraged, threaten to hurt us, storm off or ignore us completely. He started to imply other women were interested in him..like his ex or random people he had been talking to while he was out....he would check my phone and be angry at me if i did go out for more than just the odd hour...He began to tell all his friends n family that i couldnt cope with my children..and that he thought i was losing my mind..he actually accused me of being a narcissist..by this point...i almost thought i was going crazy too...i was scared, confused, racked with anxiety and almost believing my little boys were deliberately hurting his baby...even though i never actually saw my sons hurting eachother...but he insisted it was true and that i needed to go to my doctor for help.....things took an ugly turn and he ended up getting cautioned off the police for physically assaulting my then 6 year old son..social services became involved and it was at this point, i confided in a counsellor i had been waiting to see and after explaining what had been going on in my home...she told me we were in danger and put me and my 3 children into a refuge that same day. I got a non molestation order placed upon him because he wouldnt leave me alone...telling me he loved me and wanted to help ...he tried to commit suicide in my home before he left, told me he had suffered an asthma attack and was in hospital and even that he had found a new girlfriend in attemps to make me break the no contact i had implemented whilst in the refuge. I now have to face him in court soon for breaching his order multiple times..he has refused supervised accsess to his boy, doing any perpitraitors cources and admits no guilt, remorse or fault in his behaviour what so ever. I do feel shame..guilt.sadness..fear..heavily conned and duped by a man who must be totally incapable of love. As a mother who almost believed what he was saying about my children..i actually doubted my own children because of his lies n manipulation..so that leaves me with fear..how could i even mentally get to that point..makes me feel like there is something wrong with me..i love my children and its the love for them i have that actually saved us from him..all i know is..neither my boys or i did anything but love him...and he started out nice and turned on us..bit by bit..over time. Im having counselling and emdr therapy now, realising my own childhood was abusive and that i actually dont even know what a healthy relationship looks like. I have red pilled! as you say! and im now beginning my own healing journey. Its with much appreciation and thanks to online videos...im always trying to educated myself and im convinced that i have somehow now survived narcisstic abuse all my life.