Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    my conclusions.....

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    NR76

    Posts : 2
    Join date : 2014-08-17
    Location : Neptune

    my conclusions.....

    Post by NR76 on Mon Aug 25, 2014 8:46 am

    maybe i am writing this more for myself, so i can get it ouf the system once and for all.

    we met in 1996, i was 20, he was 31. nine months later we got married and during the next years we had two children (born in 1998 and 2000).
    looking back, NOW i can see what was going on, but during the marriage i was blinded and really naive. i think to this day, i am still gullible.

    the abuse/terror started subtle enough until it finally all blew out of proportion. i left him in 2000 (our second daughter was only 3 months old).
    during my second pregnancy he used to drink very heavily and also started using cocaine (he would always excuse his excesses with his stress at work). when he used to get drunk and come home - no matter what time it was - he would become very vicious and violent and would call me the most vulgar of names, accuse me of the most hideous acts and threaten me physically.

    he was extremely jealous, controlling, possessive and INSECURE. degrading me was a common thing. whenever i stood my ground he would humiliate and belittle me. and would let his "superiority" show.

    after trying to fix everything and adapt and walking on eggshells - i could not take it anymore. i felt like i was losing my mind, my substance and it became a matter of survival and also i did not want my girls growing up in a family where they would be exposed to this daily madness and maybe grow up thinking this is what men are like.  

    i won´t lie - with a heavy heart i moved out and from 2000 until the divorce in 2002 - it was nightmarish and his drinking and coke addiction just escalated and he would come round to my place and really cause terror. ringing my doorbell, kicking the door in and just losing it.  i became very scared and paranoid and eventually involved the authorities. which seemed to have a de-escalating effect. but i also thought "fuck you" i am not gonna be your tool anymore. i then cut him off for the next 10 years. no contact. he tried to contact me over the years and would send mails or presents for the girls or try and get in touch over FB - but i ignored or blocked him. and sent everything back unopened.

    in 2012 he wrote me a long mail explaining he was clean and sober and went through so much torment and he regretted so many of his actions and  behaviours and if we could somehow find a way to put the past behind and reach a level of friendship. after 10 years of not being in his presence i guess i thought - we all make mistakes in life and slowly started talking again and the girls were old enough to make up their own mind about him. they both have told me individually that they find their father somehow "strange" and cold. i always take them seriously so i never forced them to meet him or have contact. so it´s not about them as it´s turned out - it´s again about me being his puppet.

    my final conclusion is that it´s all bullshit. people might get their bad habits under control and stop abusing alcohol and other things - but their core character stays the same.

    i´m going to kick him out of my life again. this last saturday was just another eye-opener. i was out with friends and he blew my phone up with 11 calls and six texts and was basically "warning" me to go home and when i get home to call him. a few sentences that fell were: after all he has done for me this is how i treat him. i am ungrateful and arrogant and whoring around while he is home and sick. he thought i would be wiser than to hang out with people below me. there are no real friends.

    my friend who was a witness to this said "he knows he does not deserve you" - i don´t understand that. i don´t see relationships in the sense of being grateful or derserving/undeserving.

    and just another thing before i end this -  i noticed - he treats his dog like shit. he will stroke him and a few moments later he will yell at him and/or kick him. we have argued about this numerous times and i tried to have the dog as often as possible because i really feel sorry for him. but this will have to stop as well.

    i don´t know for sure if this man is a narc - but nothing else i have read about resonates as strongly as this. ALL the flags were up. ALL of them.

    i´m so fucking done!!!! i am fueled by anger and am afraid of becoming a jadded harsh and bitter person. which, deep inside i know i am not. thanks for listening, strangers of the internet. it does well to sometimes let it all out.


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    A2Z

    Posts : 13
    Join date : 2013-12-11
    Location : north of nowhere

    Re: my conclusions.....

    Post by A2Z on Fri Aug 29, 2014 7:32 pm

    Dear NR76,

    I understand this fear of "anger", it's what society tells us we should not have, but maybe there is something to allowing yourself to be angry which will help not to be deceived.. to help you realise it is your friend and is just trying to tell you to "protect yourself"

    I think that jadedness and bitterness arrives in some from realising they felt something, and then let the rational mind completely talk them out of their feelings. Be true to yourself. Even if feelings and emotions are not "everything" listen to how you feel, and don't be afraid, you do not have to react upon feelings, just examine them.

    Be well.

    MJ

    Posts : 4
    Join date : 2014-08-17

    Re: my conclusions.....

    Post by MJ on Fri Aug 29, 2014 9:34 pm

    I'm no expert but he sounds like an abuser to me, you did really well getting away from him & raising your girls.
    I like your comment " being his puppet" i sometimes wonder if me & my ex could work things out one day. the never giving up & temp good behaviour seems so inviting but don't think that's anything to do with them loving you, they are just really mad that you managed to get away first place & want you back to make you pay .
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    Leyla Loric

    Posts : 25
    Join date : 2015-09-26

    Re: my conclusions.....

    Post by Leyla Loric on Fri Oct 02, 2015 2:16 pm

    Many times I read through victims of emotional abuse comments and questions and notice, of course sadness and frustration, but also a need to define and categorize the abusive persons actions. I was the same, it is our brains trying to make sense of what has happened so that we can process it and protect ourselves in the future.

    One of the main problems with narcissistic abuse is that the victim is left without any closure, and will never understand why and what really happened. It is a part of what drives one insecure and feeling paranoid. It is truly devastating.

    What I have learned with time is that at some point, one needs to just accept that the "unexplained abusive behaviour" that was targeted at me was - not only abusive - but that the abuser actually does not have the want to change. In my experience, at no point did he (a covert narcissist/ psychopath based on various psychologists comments) come to me to tell me that he would do anything in his power to change. Never did I see him in pain or regret what he put me through. Instead, he found it shocking that I was "over-reacting" the way I did. My anger and frustration over the way that he treated me -was for him the abusive behaviour.

    Looking back, I see myself coming out of this relationship and spinning in obsessive circles about what category of personality disorder he might have, and - if i at some point could help him get better.

    The truth is - at the point when the abusive person does not show any remorse and a real effort to fix the problems (talking to you about it, apologizing sincerely, seeing a therapist etc.) - then it really does not matter.

    It is a frightening thing to realize and it took me a long time to accept it, but when I did, it gave me a type of closure and peace.

    All the best to you,

    Leyla


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