My father had a stroke when I was about 21 which took things from bad to worse - he no longer had any voice in matters. When I was about 30, my counselor told me my low self esteem was a direct outgrowth of her abuse and that I had to treat her like cancer and go no contact. Nothing seemed like it could be harder mostly because there was no work around for me to still maintain a relationship with my father, she would hide the phone when she went out and made it clear that if I wasnt willing to speak with her, i would not be permitted to speak with him. I maintained that silence for 7 years until my severe fibromyalgia forced me home - no income, no way to put a roof over my head. The last ten years have been quite honestly hell. The verbal abuse often leaves me wishing for death - even more so than the chronic and dibilitating pain. Only my religious belief and my friends keep me on this planet.
Finally I could take no more and left again - the living conditions in my part of the house were terrible (no kitchen, mold, no carpets, no lock on the exterior door etc) and she kept promising she would make repairs only to then say "I didnt deserve it." at the time it felt brave but honestly the longer Im away the more anxiety I have. My mother is worth millions - she used her control over my grandmother and my father to manipulate all the money in to her control - and Im not sure how long I can actually afford to live on my own. My friend is to a certain extent subsidizing me, but that is not a long term solution and disability income is practically nil. I know if I even try to go back home, it will be even worse than before because she will see how fully she has me under her thumb. I feel like I will have no life until she dies and were it up to her, even though she is 87 years of age, she is determined to last one breath longer than I. I feel trapped by my situation and am looking for advice short of taking her to court - which is an option but one that will be brutal since I am pretty sure she would rather burn every last dollar than see me content.
Im looking for advice from fellow survivors. What do I do at this point.