My dreams came back.. unfortunately in nightmare form, I woke up screaming and crying which was weird, I guess this is when the ptsd part of it starts. But that's also a sign that my brain is changing and there are things moving around in there. I don't mind getting upset but it worries my dog, idk if that's a weird thought, or just an excuse to feel guilty about feeling bad. He's probably okay, he forgets in five minutes.. totally doesn't seem to even notice that my ex or his cat are gone now, same old tail wag, so that's good. He was always super bonded/imprinted on me only anyway, didn't do the best job socializing him :/ cause I was maybe.. 20 when I got him and also still in school at the time, he's almost 9 now, at least I kept him and did my best taking care of him, I have a real issue making sure I never abandon anything/one.. He's also therapeutic for me, so I kind of consider him a therapy dog, he likes to lick my tears because of the salt, lol.
Luckily no one has approached him yet though and I pick him up if kids are nearby so there isn't a huge issue..also so far whenever there are other ppl around he just stares at them and hasn't been lunging or anything at them so that's somewhat of a relief.. he really hates my g-parents though. haha kind of ironic.. or because they're abusive? they've like, jokingly threatened to kill him and kick him and stuff, because he doesn't like them and will snap at them, I wonder why! I find that really fucked up and I always tell them not to say things like that but they still do... he also barks out of fear not aggression.. I don't bring him around there that much. Glad I found an apartment and didn't just move back there like I thought I was going to have to..
Did end up getting stuck with bills my ex kind of just pretended didn't exist and left me to pay everything.. they also ended up paying rent super late if they paid it at all, but neither of my checks have been cashed yet so who knows.. (that's what the bs text was about the other day.. she always lied anyways, they were both such liars.. it really bothers me) Turns out one of my core values is honesty! My back has been hurting though, I know why too, it sucks I stayed long enough to let that happen, he would have probably eventually killed me though which is really scary too. I might have chronic pain from this relationship for the rest of my life, it's already been over a year and my back still hurts. there are scars on my feet and my hands where he grabbed me because he never cut his nails and they would scratch me. broken capillaries on my neck where he choked me..it only happened a couple times but apparently I deserved it.. don't remember what it is that I did that triggered him. but I look in the mirror and I see them blatantly.. scars I'm going to have forever because I let someone in who was hurting me, there were signs that we weren't going to get along that I totally ignored.
I really hate that I've already had someone ask me why I stayed for so long and it's like... what was I supposed to just stay with him forever to avoid those stupid questions? because I was brainwashed, because I didn't think I deserved better, because no one would ever believe me anyway, especially based on his fragile seeming persona, I never got any proof or took any pictures of the physical stuff, he would just say that I provoked it all somehow which might be true.. but you still shouldn't choke someone or be physical with them.. now I just have to live with the fact that I'll never get justice and my self respect has been totally ruined.. really sucks.
I think I'm flashing back though, I'm going to continue to journal now.. everything really is fine.. they don't have my new address, no one knows where I live at all, it feels safer.