When we talk about healing the abuse and finding our true self, I haven't been able to do that for most of my life. I'm getting old now. My life is a blur. Ever since childhood, that blur you get from being in a hurry and nervous about an exam or something, that means you pass friends on the street without noticing, you can't remember what the weather was like, you just need to get from point A to point B and get through the exam or whatever it is. That's the blur I have. On everything.
When did this happen? Or that happen? I am not sure. Events don't stand out in most cases as my life went bland and slightly cave/prison like a long time ago.
Fast forward to today. It was a huge revelation when I realized that my need to save people, to explain the truth to people, stems from childhood. I was trained to protect mom from dad, I then decided to also protect my siblings from dad, as well as try to protect myself. I grew up sacrificing myself in that way and many other ways. Always with the mantra that if I can just save them, it doesn't matter if they all hate me. It doesn't matter that my life is a nightmare and I feel that I would be better off dead. If I can do good in this world, my life has meaning. No matter what people think of me, I did good before I died.
Now.... I can't tell you the many times I cried myself to sleep like that, thinking "this is who I am". It kept me alive. It kept me wanting to go on. Even when I wanted to die, this was nagging me: "You must sacrifice, you must live for others".
Wellllll..... Yesterday, I realized what a load of crap that is.
I realized that it all stemmed from what I was taught to do. Manipulated into doing. To please my mom. It started when I was very small. Gradually.
It is not the real me.
It is unbalanced. Totally "all or nothing panic".
In the real world, it is okay to have ideas, have helpful suggestions IF ASKED, and to otherwise mind my own business. Let people make their own mistakes. It is okay to just sit back and be thankful that the sun is shining and the tea is hot and the air smells fresh outside and no one went to the toilet for a while so the sewer outside is dormant right now. And whatever printing or cleaning stuff going on in the business downstairs hasn't used the strong cleaning agent for a few hours so the air smells so lovely and fresh. Yey!!!! Just be in the moment and go "Yey".
There is no reason to worry about armageddon because if it is something like that going on, then I sure can't stop it, change it or make an impact. It's an earth, cosmos, solar system thing. A fruit fly can't make a difference either. Not even the best of fruit flies. I don't think. So relax already. Be YOU.
Taking off that big yoke is so new to me, but I will do my best not to pick it up again. Yeah, I have been busy writing a book on spirit stuff because I can't seem to let it go so the only way out is through. Get it done. Move on. It's been nagging me for years and won't stop nagging until I write it. No matter who laughs at me. And that's the other shoe dropping here. The hate, the disdain, the anger from siblings that I still have to live with, because I tried to go against my dad to save us.... they were too young to see the reality and they refuse to blame "poor mom" and prefer to blame "horrific child me" as I was back then. The loud one. The desperate one. The hated one. The one it was fun to punish to "get even" with. I expected this result from the book. I get panicky about finishing the book and hearing people's reactions. Well..... DUH!
Now, with this new perspective, the fear makes a lot more sense. I am no longer so darned scared. I feel like I don't have to try to be superhuman and sacrificing anymore. Just me. Just human. Just doing whatever 1 ordinary human does. And it's all right. It doesn't have to make a difference and if anyone doesn't like it, it really doesn't matter. Because we are all just ordinary humans doing ordinary stuff.
I am changing. It is a relief. We aren't these roles. I hope to find my true self now.
I hope you guys will be aware of how molded you are, too and not feel that you have to endure or sacrifice like that. With kids, yes, I get that, but other than that. No. Peace out.