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    That is not who I really am

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    NotSoZen

    Posts : 35
    Join date : 2016-04-13
    Location : Northern Europe

    That is not who I really am

    Post by NotSoZen on Wed May 11, 2016 8:11 am

    Apologies for posting so much but there is a lot going on for me at the moment. Little epiphanies.

    When we talk about healing the abuse and finding our true self, I haven't been able to do that for most of my life. I'm getting old now. My life is a blur. Ever since childhood, that blur you get from being in a hurry and nervous about an exam or something, that means you pass friends on the street without noticing, you can't remember what the weather was like, you just need to get from point A to point B and get through the exam or whatever it is. That's the blur I have. On everything.

    When did this happen? Or that happen? I am not sure. Events don't stand out in most cases as my life went bland and slightly cave/prison like a long time ago.

    Fast forward to today. It was a huge revelation when I realized that my need to save people, to explain the truth to people, stems from childhood. I was trained to protect mom from dad, I then decided to also protect my siblings from dad, as well as try to protect myself. I grew up sacrificing myself in that way and many other ways. Always with the mantra that if I can just save them, it doesn't matter if they all hate me. It doesn't matter that my life is a nightmare and I feel that I would be better off dead. If I can do good in this world, my life has meaning. No matter what people think of me, I did good before I died.

    Now.... I can't tell you the many times I cried myself to sleep like that, thinking "this is who I am". It kept me alive. It kept me wanting to go on. Even when I wanted to die, this was nagging me: "You must sacrifice, you must live for others".

    Wellllll..... Yesterday, I realized what a load of crap that is.

    I realized that it all stemmed from what I was taught to do. Manipulated into doing. To please my mom. It started when I was very small. Gradually.

    It is not the real me.

    It is unbalanced. Totally "all or nothing panic".

    In the real world, it is okay to have ideas, have helpful suggestions IF ASKED, and to otherwise mind my own business. Let people make their own mistakes. It is okay to just sit back and be thankful that the sun is shining and the tea is hot and the air smells fresh outside and no one went to the toilet for a while so the sewer outside is dormant right now. And whatever printing or cleaning stuff going on in the business downstairs hasn't used the strong cleaning agent for a few hours so the air smells so lovely and fresh. Yey!!!! Just be in the moment and go "Yey".

    There is no reason to worry about armageddon because if it is something like that going on, then I sure can't stop it, change it or make an impact. It's an earth, cosmos, solar system thing. A fruit fly can't make a difference either. Not even the best of fruit flies. I don't think. So relax already. Be YOU.

    Taking off that big yoke is so new to me, but I will do my best not to pick it up again. Yeah, I have been busy writing a book on spirit stuff because I can't seem to let it go so the only way out is through. Get it done. Move on. It's been nagging me for years and won't stop nagging until I write it. No matter who laughs at me. And that's the other shoe dropping here. The hate, the disdain, the anger from siblings that I still have to live with, because I tried to go against my dad to save us.... they were too young to see the reality and they refuse to blame "poor mom" and prefer to blame "horrific child me" as I was back then. The loud one. The desperate one. The hated one. The one it was fun to punish to "get even" with. I expected this result from the book. I get panicky about finishing the book and hearing people's reactions. Well..... DUH!

    Now, with this new perspective, the fear makes a lot more sense. I am no longer so darned scared. I feel like I don't have to try to be superhuman and sacrificing anymore. Just me. Just human. Just doing whatever 1 ordinary human does. And it's all right. It doesn't have to make a difference and if anyone doesn't like it, it really doesn't matter. Because we are all just ordinary humans doing ordinary stuff.

    I am changing. It is a relief. We aren't these roles. I hope to find my true self now.


    I hope you guys will be aware of how molded you are, too and not feel that you have to endure or sacrifice like that. With kids, yes, I get that, but other than that. No. Peace out.



    GrandmotherHope

    Posts : 1
    Join date : 2016-05-12

    Welcome To You

    Post by GrandmotherHope on Thu May 12, 2016 6:33 am

    Hello Zen, I'm so glad you survived and would like to offer some words of wisdom from one who had this same Epiphany about a year ago. I was born and raised to support and be the caretaker of my parents and siblings but was hated and despised by them all. I bounced from relationship to relationship looking for acceptance but was only used, disregarded and disrespected. It was like I had a huge, flashing, neon sign above my head that said "users welcomed here". My hateful, twisted mother who indoctrinated my siblings to be her flying monkeys and aid her in all her exploitative endeavors, indoctrinated my children into her cult the moment they were born too. She actually groomed my oldest daughter to take her place when she died which my daughter has fulfilled so well that I am sure my mother is enjoying tremendously from her place in hell. I feel I am rambling now but I really wanted to advise you to look at all your relationships, even those outside your family, to look critically at how you may have unintentionally allowed other narcs and their followers into your life. After I severed all ties with all my family members because they insisted I continue to be their doormat and just "get over it" I was hit in the head with the reality that I had been dealing with the same situation at work, for years. I am hopeful that situation will be fully resolved very soon and I plan to move on but do not know how that will look for me yet. I am far to old to spend any more of my life trying to convince anyone that I am not who they were led to believe by others, that I am. I just want to start a whole new life where no one knows me as anyone other than the person I truly am now free to be. I wish you the best Zen, just be cautious and remember that when we have been raised to throw ourselves under the bus for others, it is rarely an easy thing to get away from, at many different levels.
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    NotSoZen

    Posts : 35
    Join date : 2016-04-13
    Location : Northern Europe

    Re: That is not who I really am

    Post by NotSoZen on Fri May 13, 2016 9:06 am

    Thank you, GrandmotherofHope. I wish you much success in moving on to a new job and place. That is something I wish for, too. It is admirable that you had the strength to walk away and reading your description, it sounds like it was the absolutely best thing to do.  My own ideal scenario will be to keep a distance but not be 100 percent cut off.

    When you talk about the same thing going on at work and among friends, I can relate. Perhaps it is mostly the online groups that I see this in, as I keep distant and private off line. Having moved so much, it is more on the level of polite kindness when I am with people. I don't let people as close as I do online. Or have done.

    Going online has been like getting access to my own playground that my family couldn't monitor. It was freeing. Over the years, it has been therapy to talk to sooooo many different people. They had their stories, I had mine, and every time I talked to people and gained new on line friends, I felt a bit more empowered and free.

    However, yes, I have run into a lot of people, mostly women, who wanted to make me their toy/slave/fan. Very recently I started talking to one and in the back of my mind there was this "Oops, you are doing it again, don't overshare so fast". But I decided that I was lonely and maybe I was wrong to be suspicious. Fast forward a few months. No, I was not wrong to be suspicious. It played out like we hear it over and over in the Narc videos. Classic in so many ways. No attack at the end. I tend to slide away and be all right. Not sure why. Maybe I attract a certain type who don't like to look bad by attacking me too directly. Or perhaps it is about them being a betting type person. You don't place all your bets on one person and you keep moving on. It's not a relationship. It's just "friends". It's all a game.

    There are several on my friends list on fb that have cluster b traits, or who are married to one. I don't delete people anymore. A few years ago I deleted the ones who turned out to be defending pedophilia or defending narcissism and saw it as a sign of themselves being godlike. I've come to the point of trying to just avoid the people who have traits but aren't pedo's or tell me they are godlike. The stories, I could tell. We'd be here all day.

    People that have strong traits are probably often living with huge "narc flies". Meaning that they see themselves as good people, trying to do good things, but they are carrying a chip on their shoulder the size of a whale and it is affecting their marriage, and blocking their view of reality. This is probably incredibly normal. There is a friend who takes way too many selfies. Most of my friends don't. Probably because we are not young and not that amazing to look at. But she does, it is also part of her culture, not forgetting, but I am seeing her hold on to her husband, using her child and they all look like zombies now. There may be a Münchausen thing going on. I can't do anything, but obviously this is awful.

    I think, what I am saying is, that I am beginning to behave like a normal, average person and let people be who they are and just do a side step and not walk away unless I have to. Let sleeping dogs lie if they ignore me anyway. This is what I see other people do. I like the idea that I am learning to be more normal. I do have a line in the sand. Of course, I do. Both in real life and on line. I do spend far too much time on the computer.



    To sum up, yes, I am also keeping an eye on the people around me in other places than just family. These last few years gave me a lot of different wake up calls on that front. I've said goodbye to people I thought were best friends. I am not so trusting with people anymore.

    It is freeing, though. I can't explain why. Maybe it is because I feel that there is truth in it. When you begin to see the truth and stop doubting yourself every step of the way, you are locked into the real world. That is an awesome feeling. Instead of feeling like drowning, I am swimming.

    Seeing my own issues has also helped. Constantly trying to deal with my own bad habits. Yes, as you said, it doesn't magically stop. I still have to be careful.

    One thing I have to be careful with at the moment, is that after listening to some of the videos on cluster b's I keep thinking "Oh, my god, that was what happened with XYZ and that is so classic and I have to stop being so stupid"..... and then I spend a few hours going over it in my head and realize that "No, that was not what happened. That is what I was afraid of but not what was actually happening. Sometimes people are assholes without being cluster b's. So hold your horses. No baby out with the bathwater." That can be hard. I see a pattern and freak out. Then, like Spartan' just talked about, it's important to go over it and check if it really is that way. I try.

    Thank you again for reaching out and sharing and I wish you happy and safe journeys.
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    gigiminer

    Posts : 63
    Join date : 2014-08-17
    Age : 55
    Location : Upstate NY

    Re: That is not who I really am

    Post by gigiminer on Sat May 14, 2016 9:23 am

    That "blur" is all too familiar. But it is one heck of a learning tool. I'm glad you're coming out of the fog. And when you've healed a bit, you'll get to use your hard-won knowledge to help others...thus fulfilling that inner need to assist others. Yes, it can take over your life if you don't know why you're doing it...but it also is part of who you are and in caring for others (in a sane and boundaried way) you'll get the fulfillment along with the healthy way of being. Smile
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    NotSoZen

    Posts : 35
    Join date : 2016-04-13
    Location : Northern Europe

    Re: That is not who I really am

    Post by NotSoZen on Sun May 15, 2016 12:03 pm

    Thank you. I didn't know, the "blur" was normal. It actually helps a bit to know, that I am not the only one. It feels awkward not to remember things as clearly as I assume most people do.

    Yeah. Maybe I shouldn't stop wanting to help. It does feel as if we are "in this together" as a group. Not that everyone is alike but the only way to change things, is to try to help the group. In a way, it does feel like a kind of... not vengeance but a defiance. The kind of defiance that helps and makes us feel better. Plus, the more people who understand this, the more people also understand society and why it is functioning so badly, in my opinion. Many of the same dysfunctions.

    At the moment, I have hours and even a day where I don't feel the fear-pressure the way that I used to. Since I live with my dad who is histrionic I can't let it go as easily as if I was alone. But dad is on his best behavior, so it's not so intense anymore. I still get annoyed every day and do my best to let it go. To me, he is sick. It is a pattern of behavior that shows his illness. It's ingrained.


    Coming out of that panic haze... it can't be described adequately but it is like getting my life back. And also a bit like getting new glasses and the world starts to look clear again. Like fresh air after rain. I cherish it. It has also meant that my brain works a little clearer in some ways. I've come to realize a few things regarding my health that I ignored and I really need to deal with. So I am.

    Thank you for your reply. It all helps.
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    NotSoZen

    Posts : 35
    Join date : 2016-04-13
    Location : Northern Europe

    Re: That is not who I really am

    Post by NotSoZen on Sun May 15, 2016 4:02 pm

    As an afterword. As this fog lifts, I am having flashes of memory. Flashes of clear feelings from way back when. Nothing big but memories of a clear emotion here, another emotion there. Like waking up and seeing a room and noticing things, I forgot existed.

    I've felt like this before. It comes and goes in periods. This is like another round. Another layer. It's really nice.
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    gigiminer

    Posts : 63
    Join date : 2014-08-17
    Age : 55
    Location : Upstate NY

    Re: That is not who I really am

    Post by gigiminer on Mon May 16, 2016 8:33 am

    It is nice knowing you're not crazy, isn't it? Smile And yes, the memories start to surface, which in turn gives you more insights, etc.

    I realized the other day after a rather intense flashback and processing that it's actually something I'm starting to look forward to...and even went and found the video of "Another One Bites The Dust" by Queen...just to solidify my feelings of rocking that process. Smile

    The confidence builds and then the stressful moments actually become anticipation for victory of a sorts.
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    NotSoZen

    Posts : 35
    Join date : 2016-04-13
    Location : Northern Europe

    Re: That is not who I really am

    Post by NotSoZen on Mon May 16, 2016 11:00 am

    Yes. At the moment it is positive feelings that I am starting to have again. Being able to remember negative situations does also happen and usually, I feel an understanding now. I have changed so much, that I am the observer now. Usually, I go to that little girl, I was and give her a hug and encourage her. I can actually remember, as a child, that there were times where it felt like my adult self was talking to me and saying that one day, it would get better.

    So much of who I really am, has been suppressed, that it's like catching a glimpse of a sleeping giant sometimes. Like... "Whoa, I am so much more than this." One of these days, that "giant" will be all awake and I will have a full life. Like a regular person. As if I have lived most of my life as a tiny flea. Barely there.


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