Richard Grannon Spartan Life Coach

Richard Grannon The Spartan Life Coach Narcissism Support


    Identity? Now what? Where to start?

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    mkmkmk28

    Posts : 9
    Join date : 2016-04-01
    Location : US

    Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by mkmkmk28 on Fri Apr 01, 2016 4:29 pm

    Hello,
    I just joined and my name is MK.  I come from a narcissitic family, stemming from my narcissitc, mother.  I was the scapegoat.  well can't really say was, I still am to them but not in my Id anymore.  I also ended up married to one, now divorced and three years after the divorce he died from cancer.  But the damage is done but I have hope now after searching so much for relief and so much work.  I have held on tight to these unhealthy people all for fear of lonilieness and now I have no idea who I am really and even a clue of the first place to start...I am overwhelmed with where to start?  I mean, I know things I enjoy, dreams that I have but those things don't happen overnight...I am just beginning and its hard. There are days where I feel like, who am I? And that makes me sad and angry at time. Any suggestions?

    trueself1

    Posts : 40
    Join date : 2015-06-24

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by trueself1 on Sat Apr 02, 2016 6:55 pm

    I come from the same type of family background and the best advice I can give you is to be by yourself for awhile. Like I had to learn to start to really put myself first. It's really terrifying for a little while but then something happens and it forces you deal with stuff you have been running from. It will allow you to put all the focus on yourself and give you space to start developing your sense of self and identity. This will just kind of naturally start happening as you start to begin to rely on yourself to feel good again. Doing affirmation work has been helping me to change my mindset slowly and that is helping in this process. It doesn't fix everything but it has started to help me feel less overwhelmed and gain a little bit of a foothold especially on the lost, lonely, empty feelings.

    mkmkmk28

    Posts : 9
    Join date : 2016-04-01
    Location : US

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by mkmkmk28 on Sat Apr 02, 2016 7:12 pm

    Thank you so much for your kind and helpful words. It's the lonliness that really sucks during this time, and wanted to share stuff good or bad...but I know if I share with family, espeically the good...I just get brought down and confused by them...but at least I know now where it stems from. I appreciate your suggestions and I am going to try them for sure. I hope I can find friends like you. I am not used to being around kind people so when I get it, I get overly excited about it like it never happens.,, its weird, I never used to be like this...this has just developed in me recently.

    mkmkmk28

    Posts : 9
    Join date : 2016-04-01
    Location : US

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by mkmkmk28 on Sat Apr 02, 2016 7:24 pm

    Also, since you mentioned you come from a similar background...I notice that my siblings respect each other much more then me. Even though I am the one who is most thoughtful and the kindest...it seems like the respect aloof so much more and when I try aloof, same results except I get ridiculed for both, but watch everyone else get treated better and calmer...have you experienced this as well? I know for me its very painful and hurtful...and now know it caused alot in my subconscious that I am unworthy or some how not good enough, self esteem issues....its amazing how you can start to realize where these beliefs are engrained and embedded...

    trueself1

    Posts : 40
    Join date : 2015-06-24

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by trueself1 on Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:00 pm

    Oh yes I know exactly what you mean by feeling like I'm the inadequate one in my family. They act like I don't know anything and I'm often critisized and subtley insulted when I try to express myself and have an intelligent conversation with them. I have a couple siblings who didn't grow up with me and one of them is more like me and has become aware of the narcissism. We've been supportive of each other since. It's a long story how we got divided up. We didn't have contact with my other siblings until we were all adults. So it allowed the other two siblings to see my mother in a much different light when they got to know her as adults.

    It was a relief once I figured out that it wasn't me with the problem. I grew up thinking so negatively about myself and believing that I was never going to achieve anything and that I had no value, and I didn't deserve to be loved. I just wish I could have gotten this information many years ago. It's much eazier to change the course of your life when you're just starting out. Now it feels like I've made so many bad decisions that it feels like it will take the rest of my life to dig myself out lol!

    I also wanted correct what I mean by being alone. I don't want it to sound like I meant become isolated from other people entirely. That's not good for anybody. I meant be very concious of the people that you are surrounding yourself with. I was surrounded by people who just didn't seem to  get it, and I had to distance myself from those people because they made me feel worse. You will have to find new supportive people to be around. It's not eazy because you have to allow yourself to vulnerable, but once you learn to trust your intuition it's not as intimidating. You will know how to get better at distinguishing toxic people from healthy people.

    mkmkmk28

    Posts : 9
    Join date : 2016-04-01
    Location : US

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by mkmkmk28 on Sun Apr 03, 2016 3:47 pm

    Oh my gosh I feel the same way. I have spent my entire life being narcissitically abused and in therapy..I wished I found richard grannon videos alot sooner because now I am in the same boat...digging myself out...LOL. Like I am a kid again except I am not a kid at all and so the older I get the more difficult because everyone else "seems" at least to be established or living their fake lives while I sit here and learn to trust people, figure out who I am, heal emotional, the list goes on, deal with having no family, lonliness, etc, etc....It gets overwhelming and exhausting at times.

    trueself1

    Posts : 40
    Join date : 2015-06-24

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by trueself1 on Sun Apr 03, 2016 4:23 pm

    Right, it sucks to have to learn the truth about so many things but I'm glad to have some peace from figuring this stuff out. I'm able to be less hard on myself.

    mkmkmk28

    Posts : 9
    Join date : 2016-04-01
    Location : US

    Re: Identity? Now what? Where to start?

    Post by mkmkmk28 on Sun Apr 03, 2016 4:46 pm

    Yes, I agree totally...there are times where I think I still have hope...hope for a better life...and the stuggle and pain I have now is no comparison to the stuggle when I was being scapegoated and in a constant state of confusion...Being the scapegoat in family as large as mine was I had six other siblings was horrific and my mother and father were clueless because they are narcs...and then I ended up marrying one...but my life with my 14 year old beautiful boy is my biggest and only gift and he means the world to me so I keep plugging away so I can be better for him. I also love your realness and being genuine...I wish I could find a local support group but haven't yet.

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